Hi Lewis,
I’ve got a slightly odd one.
I’m a man in my late 30s, and I know I’m attracted to men. I don’t really feel confused about that. I can see a good-looking man and think, yes, absolutely.
But the thing is, my life is very straight. I’ve only ever seriously dated women. I’m quite masculine; most people would never guess I’m anything other than straight, and to be honest I quite like that.
I don’t feel ashamed of being attracted to men, but I also don’t feel a huge need to make bisexuality a public part of my identity. For me, it feels more like appreciating attractive men, maybe once or twice a year doing something about it if I’m single, and then getting on with my life.
The problem is I keep seeing people online saying you should be out, visible, proud, all of that. Part of me wonders if I’m letting this side of me down by not coming out properly.
But another part of me thinks being seen as bi would probably cause more hassle than benefit. I don’t want people seeing me differently, questioning my masculinity, or assuming things about my relationships.
Am I kidding myself here? Or is it okay to be bi and still mostly live a straight-looking life?
Cheers,
Dan
Hi Dan,
Thank you so much for reaching out, and for the honesty in your letter.
Realistically, I think this is actually how a lot of bi men experience their bisexuality. The majority are in the closet or “on the down low”.
You can be masculine, mostly date women, be perceived as straight, and still be bi, so I think it’s really important that you understand bisexuality doesn’t need to look a particular way.
I think the main question to ask yourself is whether you genuinely are comfortable being closeted and just doing things on the side, or whether you’re hiding because of fear.
Usually, in your circumstance, there are typically a couple of people close to you who know the score, and the wider circle doesn’t know anything about the bisexuality. I actually think that can be a healthy place to be in.
Obviously, the “scratching the itch” part may pose a problem in the future if you get into a monogamous relationship with a woman. So that would need to be handled ethically. There is a difference between private bisexuality and secretive behaviour.
I also think you’ve hit on an important point that I’ve talked about previously, which is the pressure to be visible. I do think, in an ideal world, if everyone could be out and proud, that would be a good thing. But the reality is, not everyone wants to be out, and that is totally okay.
You shouldn’t feel forced to come out if you don’t really feel that is right for you.
My only caution would be this: being perceived as straight can be very convenient, especially in your circumstances. But just be careful it doesn’t become a prison.
How much of yourself are you editing with the people around you to keep it up? That’s just something to consider.
For me, the goal should not be worrying about looking bi enough, or straight enough. The goal is making sure you’re living your life in a way that doesn’t make you feel like you’re lying.
Ultimately, you don’t owe the world a coming out story, but you do owe yourself honesty and, more importantly, comfort with who you are.
So if you are comfortable staying in the closet and doing things your way, then that’s totally fine. But if there is a part of you that doesn’t feel comfortable in the life you’re living, then it might be time to reassess.
Wishing you all the best,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.