Ask A Bi Dad: Should I risk my perfect family just to come out as bi?

Hi Lewis,

I saw your article about being a bi dad and I'm looking for some help.

I have three beautiful kids that I would do anything for, and a beautiful wife whom I absolutely adore and would never want to hurt. We have been married for nearly eight years and together for eleven. We have the perfect little life and family. However, I have always known I was bisexual but never admitted it to myself or accepted it, so I have buried it since 2013.

But now, it's getting difficult to ignore. I have accepted it as part of me and part of the reason I am the way I am. I want to come out to my wife, but I don't want to break up the life that we have.

She doesn’t deserve it, but it's becoming a burden for me and is weighing heavily on my shoulders and heart that I can’t fully be who I am. I don’t want anything to change; I don’t need or want to experiment as I have already done that. I just feel as though I need to be honest about who I am.

She regularly believes that I talk to and have feelings for other women, but the truth is, I don’t. I don’t want any extramarital affairs, whether it be with men or women. I feel a need to put those accusations to rest. I am also fully aware that she may start to have insecurities where men are concerned as well, but I genuinely am not interested. I just want to be free!

Any advice would be most appreciated.

Charles

Hi Charles,

Thanks so much for your question.

I think the first thing to really say is that you’re in such good company with this issue. The majority of letters I receive from men wanting advice on how to come out to their wives or girlfriends. It can be absolutely terrifying and, if handled badly, can be cataclysmic.

However, what’s really great about your situation is that you know exactly what you want. A lot of men who reach out to me don’t really know the goal of coming out as bisexual. Is it to start exploring their sexuality? Is it to open up the relationship? Or is it just to see what their partner would think of it? You don’t have to worry about these questions. You’re clear on exactly what you want to get out of coming out.

So, I would say the best thing you can do is to have a plan ready. Prepare a few points on what you want to say and how you want to say it. I’d advise saying upfront that there is something you want to talk about, but before you get into it, make it clear that it in no way is about changing your relationship; that you think things are perfect as they are.

You could then maybe emphasize how great and safe she makes you feel, which is why you are able to share this with her.

It’s important to realise that some people really struggle with understanding what bisexuality actually is, so it might help to provide a few examples. Describe what this has looked like over the years, who you’ve been attracted to, and how far these attractions have gone. Then, talk about what your attractions make you want to do. Is it just admiring a good-looking man, or if you had the opportunity and were not in a relationship, would you want to go further than admiring?

Also, it’s a very good idea to have planned upfront how to close the conversation. You need to give the conversation structure and give her time to go away and collect her thoughts. Something along the lines of, “I realise this might be a lot, or you might just want to get back to Netflix, but I’ve kicked off the conversation now, so take some time, and if you have any questions, you can ask me anytime.”

She likely will have a lot of questions, and you know her best, so spend some time thinking about the things she might ask and prepare a few answers for them. It’s important to keep the dialogue open. You don’t need to bring it up every five minutes or even every week, but occasionally talking about it at a frequency that feels right for both of you can help iron out any issues. This ensures it’s not a taboo subject but something that is established in the relationship, making everyone comfortable with it.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.