Ask A Bi Dad: Am I still bi if I’m only romantically attracted to women?

Hi Lewis,

Sorry to bother you, but I really need help with understanding my bisexuality.

I'm in my 50s and for a long time, I identified as gay. I have been in a same-sex relationship for 26 years.

It's a long story, and I feel I can't mention everything in one letter.

Until 25 years ago, I didn't know bisexuality existed; I just thought I had to pick a side.

Quick history: I have had five girlfriends and only God knows how many boyfriends.

I continue to learn about bisexuality and now believe I am sexually and romantically attracted to men and romantically attracted to women. When I came out as bisexual five years ago, I received some counseling, and the term “sexually fluid” was mentioned. Being told I am sexually fluid has just messed with my head.

Some queer friends have told me that I am biromantic, and that has been messing with my head too. How can I be biromantic if I am sexually attracted to men? According to others, I am biromantic fluid. Is this possible? I am now totally confused!

If you can help with this it would help me a great deal, because it's starting to affect my mental health. 

Many thanks.

Albert

Hi Albert,

Never be sorry to contact me. I’m always happy to hear from bi people who want some advice.

From reading your letter, what’s clear to me is that the quest to find the right label to describe your sexuality has actually become quite toxic and it’s causing you more problems than providing you with solutions.

Labels are only positive things if they help you, the hope is that they deepen your understanding of yourself and provide strength. If you’ve become stressed by this process or in some way feel that you’re doing it so that others know what “box” to put you in, then it might be time to take a step back.

Sometimes, labeling your sexuality can make you feel like you’ve publicly set rules or expectations for yourself, that now people are going to expect you to follow a particular pattern of behavior. That’s not the point of labels.

For me, early on in my discovery of my sexuality, I found that leaning into the word bi-curious helped me explain what I was feeling. It was later that I embraced the title bisexual, and I found that journey very empowering.

Boiling it down, you mention that you believe you are sexually and romantically attracted to men and romantically attracted to women, if that’s how you understand your sexuality then that’s brilliant. I personally would think that falls under the bi umbrella or more simply you could just say “bi”. Many people feel the same, bisexuality is a sliding scale. You have some people who say that they’re 90% attracted to men and only 10% attracted to women. You’ve got people who say that some days they wake up and they’re more attracted to men or women, whatever it is, I think fundamentally if you have attractions to more than one sex that puts you under the bi umbrella and you don’t need to explain it any further than that.

You’re in a long-term relationship so I do wonder why this is causing you trouble at the moment, is that relationship recently ended or is it an open relationship where you actually might be going out and seeking other people or is your quest for the right label simply about self-discovery? Hopefully, it’s not because you feel you need to explain yourself to those around you.

What I think you need to do is take a step back and just enjoy the magic of your attractions. If you see a sexy man walking past, enjoy that. It’s great that you get to see attractive people walking past you. And on the romantic side if you meet women and you feel a romantic connection - enjoy that too. You have been gifted the ability to have attractions to people of multiple genders, enjoy the journey, and don’t let trying to find the right term to describe it consume you.

Good luck with everything and keep me updated!

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.