Greetings, goblins and ghouls and everything in between. We have come upon perhaps my favorite time of year: fall. Falling of the leaves? The fall of man into a pit of madness from whence he shall never recover? Only time will tell, of course.
You may be asking yourself how you may be your best #boosexual self in these darkening days. Understandable. There’s so much to do and see with this crisp season that it’s hard to nail down just a few things! But if you want a little guidance, I'm more than happy to provide a roadmap for this spooky season. Just know that as soon as you turn away to investigate the list and turn back to ask me a question, you’ll only be met with mist and some distant, maniacal laughter deep in the foggy mist.
(Please note: These jokes are modeled after the joke structure best pioneered by @sketchesbyboze on Twitter, better known as “Owl At the Library.” They delight me so and I couldn’t resist doing my own take on them here.)
First, set the tone
Music is paramount to setting the scene. We’ve got over 18 volumes of ditties in the Mini Unicorn Scales you can look at, or just put on some “Thriller.” Maybe the music from Stranger Things if you’re feeling jaunty. But there’s nothing like the theme from Jaws to give your guests a sense of impending dread.
But don’t be afraid to get back to basics. Blow the dust off your organ and play eerie tunes in minor keys. Feel free to sing along like the siren you are and lure men and women to crash their ships and Volvos on the rocky shores of your townhouse’s shared courtyard.
Atmosphere is key here
Making a house a home is a tall order for anyone at any time of year, but especially around October. Don’t be afraid to go all out. Bust out your favorite decor from storage. Add a few cinnamon candles to your dinner table. Line your coffins with the finest satin money can buy.
Of course, food will put everyone at ease
Who doesn’t love a tasty snack, whether you’re at home or impressing some guests? Just make sure to serve a variety. Charcuterie boards tend to go over well. A nice mix of hot and cold snacks lends a great balance. Just hold off on letting them know they’re feasting on a cadaver tabletop until you’ve cleared the dishes. No need to deal with carpet stains as well as blood-curdling screams if it can be helped.
Games, games, games!
Bis love board games and that’s no different for boosexuals! Try Settlers of Catan. Telling the extensive rules of the game will lull your guests into a trance and then you can feast before they realize what is happening.
Dress to impress
No better way to throw off the scen- er, have someone not take their eyes off of you than wearing an eye-catching number. This is the time of year when you could either wear that cozy Fair Isle sweater that hides your corpse of a torso OR a deep-plunge corset dress to enchant your prey. You don’t even have to have an excuse to keep wearing the scarf that’s keeping your head on because the weather has cooled. The possibilities are endless, my friends!
From the mouth of babes...
Of course, children are an important part of our lives. Bi parenting is an often-overlooked, challenging, and joyful venture.
My only piece of advice? Make sure to have some mason jars next to the cribs. That way you can handily capture their screams so you can use them as bartering chips with the devils this late in the season. The more high-pitched, the higher the value!
Make sure Fido and Fluffy are well taken care of
Lots of us love our fur babies to death. Literally and figuratively. Don’t forget to visit the pet cemetery and pay your respects this season. But for those kitties that are still in the realm of the living, make sure they know how well-loved they are. Give them extra kisses and snuggles in these colder months. Maybe give them an extra treat or two. They’re more likely to do your bidding and jump on nosy teenagers who are investigating your house on an ill-advised dare.
Learn how to become a great party host/ess/x.
There are plenty of spooky creations helmed by famous bis (I mean, Mary Shelley, anyone?) Feel free to converse about any and all of these subjects and have them ready to offer for a group viewing or impromptu book club. Discuss the bi works of Basquiat. Practice having some puns ready to go — especially about death — that goes over well with victims before the kill.
Finally — don’t be afraid to seduce whomever you want
I don’t care if it’s the Bride of Frankenstein or the monster himself (his name is John, thankyouverymuch.) Go for it. Slip them a note. Have your favorite carrier bat send it to them. Spell out a love letter on the wall asking them out with the bugs you control with vocal command. Keep the relationship goals of Morticia and Gomez Addams in mind.
Just because you’re spooky and a veritable force of the damned doesn’t mean you don’t deserve love, too.
Well, that about covers the burial plot, my lovelies. Thank you for stopping by for tips, tricks, and suggestions on how to slip arsenic into your lemon bars. In the immortal words of fellow bi Cassandra Peterson, better known as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
Unpleasant dreams...