Dear Lewis,
I’m 31 and recently came out of a five-year relationship with my girlfriend. Now that I’m back on the dating scene, I’ve noticed something that’s confusing me. I’ve always identified as bisexual, and I still find men attractive, but when it comes to actually doing anything sexual with them, I just don’t feel the urge anymore. With women, though, I do.
This has left me questioning everything, have I somehow become straight? It feels especially awkward because I made such a big deal about being bi when I came out, and now I’m worried I’ve let people down or that I don’t fit the label anymore. Is this normal, or have I lost my bisexuality?
Finn
Hi Finn,
Thank you so much for reaching out. I’m excited for you as you begin this new journey as a single bisexual man.
The first thing I’d say is try not to overthink what’s happening right now. You’ve just come out of a five-year relationship, so you’re adjusting to single life, figuring out what attracts you and how you want to act on it.
If you meet someone and want to have sex, and they are game, great! If you just fancy a bit of flirting, that’s fine too. Don’t get caught up in keeping some imagined balance between men and women. After years with a female partner, you’re naturally more familiar with women’s bodies. That can make intimacy with men feel daunting, even if you’re bi. It doesn’t mean your sexuality has vanished, it just means you’re out of practice, and it’s completely normal to feel that way.
Remember, sexuality fluctuates for everyone, especially bisexual people. Sometimes we’re more drawn to one gender than another, and that can change daily, yearly, or not at all. Being single might simply make you more aware of these shifts, and right now you might be leaning more towards women. That doesn’t erase your bisexuality.
Also, don’t feel you need to “prove” anything. There’s a stereotype that after a long relationship, bisexual people must be desperate to explore with the gender they weren’t with but that’s not always true. Don’t perform bisexuality for others, and don’t worry about what people might say if you date women again. Your identity is yours, and nobody else’s business.
Think of it this way, if a straight man comes out of a long relationship and isn’t ready to sleep around lots of women or date right away, no one questions whether he’s suddenly asexual. So why should bisexual people feel pressured to prove themselves?
My advice is to take your time, enjoy being single, and stop over-analysing. Even if you only ever date women again, you’re still bisexual because that’s who you are and how you feel. You don’t need to prove it to anyone.
Good luck in this new chapter.
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.