Dear Lewis
I recently came across a story about a woman in a relationship with a bisexual man. He wanted to stay romantically involved with another man while being in a relationship with her. It hit close to home.
I’m a 43-year-old bi man, married to a 43-year-old straight woman. We’ve been together for 25 years, married for 21, and have two kids. Over time, what I think of as my “bi-cycle” — the pull toward same-gender connection — has only gotten stronger.
I’ve admitted to cheating in the past, and we’ve been through marriage counseling. We’ve tried to hold things together. But my mental health has taken a hit. I still love my wife, but I’m not in love with her. She still loves me. We’re physically intimate, but I’m often not fully present.
I don’t know what to do. Should we keep trying, or is it time to let go?
Steve
Hi Steve,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling and on the cusp of divorce. First, 25 years together and two kids is an amazing achievement, so I think you should feel really proud that you’ve come this far. These days, over half of marriages end in divorce, so you’ve clearly been able to weather the storm and survive the trials and tribulations I’m sure you’ve faced over that time.
I’m struck by your mention of your mental health declining. That’s really serious, and I think in some situations, trying to cling to a relationship and forcing it to work can do more harm than good. I’d always encourage anyone who reaches out to me struggling with their mental health to speak to a professional who will be able to help.
With regard to the question of whether you should stay with your wife or not — only you can ever truly know that. What I can share is the experience of all the men who have reached out to me before you.
I’ve heard from men who have left their wives and gotten with men — some of them love it and really enjoy it, while others worry that they gave up their marriage for a seven-minute sex session with a guy, that was a bit painful and didn’t live up to the fantasy they’d spent years building in their head.
The other thing you need to consider is your statement about loving your wife but not being in love with her. Ask yourself honestly — do you see a path to reigniting the spark, or will it stay the same or continue to decline?
Sometimes, we kid ourselves into thinking that staying in a relationship we no longer want to be in is the most compassionate thing to do for the other person. What we don’t often realise is that we’re robbing them of the chance to meet someone new or chart their own solo journey in life, which could be equally fulfilling. As long as you both agree to support each other in setting up your new lives, I think either path should be considered.
One thing you could do is approach your wife with some clearly defined options — one being separation, the other being staying together but with a clear plan for how to reignite the spark, along with a deadline you both agree on to assess whether things have improved. You could also discuss the possibility of an open relationship if that’s something you think you’d want to explore.
Divorce can be hard, especially when kids are involved, but staying in a situation that doesn’t work — feeling trapped — can be just as painful. Even if you decide to leave, you’ll have anxieties about the future. What if it doesn’t work out? What if you don’t meet anyone? What if you’re miserable alone? What if you end up wanting to be back with your wife? The truth is, you can never truly know the answers. All we can do is make the best decision we can at the moment with the information we have available.
I think the reality is that you’re never going to feel 100% certain. It’s terribly hard to walk away from a relationship that no longer works, even if there’s still love. And it’s just as painful to stay. I can’t tell you what the right decision is for you because I don’t know you, and I don’t know the future. But I will say this — you only have one life to live, and you need to do everything you can to ensure that you enjoy it. Getting there doesn’t come without taking risks. Fear will paralyze you, and analysis will lead to paralysis. If I were you, I would set a date to make a decision by, and once the date has passed and you have made the decision, never look back and question it again.
I wish you all the luck in making your decision. Keep me updated.
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.