Hi Lewis,
I’m in a bit of a situation and don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it. I’m in my early thirties and currently living in a different city from my boyfriend, and when I say boyfriend, I mean secret boyfriend.
No one in my life knows about him. To everyone else, I’m straight. I’ve dated women, my family expects that’s where my life is heading, and I’ve never really challenged that. But over the last year, I met someone through work, and we ended up getting close. What started as a bit of curiosity has turned into a proper relationship, and honestly, it’s the most myself I’ve ever felt.
The problem is, he’s based in another city and has made it clear he doesn’t want to keep things hidden forever. He’s asked if I’d consider moving to be with him. Part of me really wants to. But the other part of me is thinking about everything I’d be giving up: my job, my friends, my family, and essentially the life everyone thinks I’m living. I also don’t know if I’m being naive. It’s easy to feel like this is “real” when it’s separate from everything else.
I feel like I’m stuck between two lives, and whichever one I choose, I lose something.
Do I take the risk and go for it, or am I about to blow up my life for something that might not last?
Cheers,
Mark
Hi Mark
Thanks so much for reaching out.
What’s clear to me from your letter is that you’re not just choosing a relationship here, you’re actually choosing between two different versions of your life. And that’s a really huge decision.
I’d also say your situation is not uncommon for bi people. A lot of us find ourselves living an almost double life, where some people know one version of you, and others know another. So you are in good company.
Before giving any guidance on what you should do, I think it’s worth talking a little bit about relationship maturity age. With a lot of people I speak to, who come into their bisexuality a bit later in life, a theme that often comes up is that they’re fully grown adults when it comes to managing relationships with women, because that’s what they’ve always had. But when it comes to same-sex relationships, they’re almost like a 17-year-old boy. They just don’t have the frame of reference or the life experience to deal with it.
Your first same sex relationship can feel intoxicating. It’s exciting, it’s unknown, and it can make you feel young again. Separating your logical brain from all of those emotions can be difficult.
Right now, your situation feels intense because it’s a secret, and it exists almost separately from your real life. So the first thing you need to ask yourself is: would this relationship survive in the real world, when everyone knows about it?
Another way to look at this is to gender-flip it. Would you change your life and move across the country for a woman? That might help you understand how much your sexuality is playing a role in this decision. It’s also important to note that in your situation, moving won’t just be for love. You’re effectively coming out and moving away from your current identity, how people see you. In many ways, it’s a life reset.
Now, I will say this: when it comes to coming out and embracing your sexuality, a new location and a fresh start can actually be quite helpful. You have less to deal with in terms of people’s questions, people seeing you differently, and you get the opportunity to start fresh with new people. So there are some benefits to moving if this is part of your coming-out process.
You also have to consider what happens if the relationship doesn’t work out. How easy would it be to come back and pick up your life if that’s what you wanted to do?
Sometimes it can help to trial things. Is it possible to move there for six months and leave the door open to come back if it doesn’t work out? Would you stay there and build a life anyway, or are you only going for this one person?
One of the challenges you’re facing right now is that you’re trying to make a logical decision without much real-world data. So maybe the answer is to change that. Test the reality first. Spend extended time together. Talk about being public. Discuss expectations. Get a feel for whether this relationship works in the real world, not just in a weekend or in secret.
This decision isn’t easy, and ultimately, I can’t make it for you. But what I can say is that you deserve a life where you are fully yourself, a life you’re excited to wake up to every day.
Whilst you need to be cautious about building your entire life around one person, life’s too short to spend it wondering about the risks you didn’t take. One saying I’m really fond of is: “fail quickly”. The idea being: go and do it, and if it blows up, at least you’ll know, and you’ll know sooner rather than later.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.