Dear Ask a Bi Dad,
I’m a very private person when it comes to my sexual identity, but I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with sex.
I have a strong sex drive and genuinely love sex, often wanting it a lot. I sometimes find myself wondering whether that’s healthy, or whether it’s something I should be questioning.
I’d really appreciate your thoughts.
Marcus
Hi Marcus,
Thanks so much for reaching out.
The truth is, sex is different for everyone, so it’s really hard to say whether someone wants sex “too much”. In principle, wanting a lot of sex isn’t unhealthy, as long as you’re running your sex life and it’s not running you.
I’ve found that a high libido is actually quite normal, especially in people who may have spent years repressing their sexuality. If sex brings you joy, connection, or release, that’s generally a healthy thing.
What you do need to look out for are the ways your sex life could become unhealthy. Has it become a way of coping with stress or difficult emotions? That’s sometimes worth exploring. Are you being risky, putting yourself or others at risk of STIs? Are you being deceitful to get sex, which could mean hurting people or leading them on?
Those are really the key things I’d look at when deciding whether it’s becoming unhealthy. But as long as it’s not causing you guilt, shame, or harm to yourself or others, there isn’t really a problem. There’s no “correct” amount of sex.
What I will say is that bisexual men — and queer men more broadly, are often taught to distrust their own sexual appetites. There can be a lot of shame, and a deep sense that something is wrong with us, especially when it comes to sex.
But if you’re doing this for the right reasons, everyone is consenting, and no one is being harmed, then it’s not something you should feel ashamed of.
Sex can be an amazing way for humans to connect. And you don’t owe anyone an explanation of your sexuality.
As long as you’re happy, I really don’t think this is something you need to worry about too much.
Thanks for reaching out,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.