Hi Lewis,
I’m a 54-year-old woman. I realized I wasn’t straight in my late twenties, and around 43, I came to understand myself as bi. I have dated women in the past, but I’m now in a long-term, monogamous marriage with my straight husband.
He has always known about my history and has been supportive, but for many years we never actually used the word “bisexual” to describe me. I worried that saying it out loud might make him feel threatened or as though I was unhappy. In the past couple of years, I finally told him directly that I identify as bi and that it’s still an important part of who I am, even though I’m happily monogamous. It went really well, and we’re closer than ever.
Since then, I’ve wanted to live more openly. We attend Pride together, and I’ve made small choices to express that part of myself. I also decided to come out to my cousin. He was supportive and said he loves me, but he seemed awkward and questioned why I felt the need to tell him. That reaction left me feeling ashamed, like I’d shared something too private.
I want to be authentic and not censor myself, but I also don’t want to make loved ones uncomfortable. How do you navigate coming out as a bi person in a straight-presenting marriage? Should I come out at all? And if I choose privacy, how do I do that without feeling ashamed?
Thank you,
Sandra
Hi Sandra,
Thanks so much for your email and for reaching out.
Sorry to hear about your cousin. I think what we sometimes have to remember when coming out doesn’t go exactly as we’d hoped is that awkwardness isn’t necessarily rejection. Straight people live in a different world; they rarely have to announce themselves, so he may genuinely not understand why it matters. His reaction might simply mean he doesn’t see you differently.
Coming out is hard to navigate, especially when someone doesn’t anticipate it and isn’t quite sure what the right thing to say is. I’ve had people say some very strange things when I’ve come out to them, but I know them well enough to understand that that’s just their way of accepting me. Sometimes that’s the best you can hope for.
You clearly want to be open, and you should be able to. Being married to a man doesn’t erase your bisexuality. You are no less bi because you’re partnered with a man. In fact, this is what bisexuality looks like. The same goes for people in same-sex relationships or people who are single; bisexuality has many faces. Please don’t feel that yours makes you any less valid.
On the subject of coming out, I think what many people don’t understand is that it really is an art form. When we come out, it can feel like such a big moment that we put enormous pressure on it and end up overthinking everything. But it doesn’t have to be a grand announcement. It can be woven naturally into conversation. You can normalise it instead of spotlighting it.
Don’t forget that your tone often sets the reaction. So don’t be afraid to lead the narrative.
To break that down a little, one tip I’d share is to make your coming out relevant to whatever you’re talking about. Often the easiest way is to reference something from entertainment or popular culture. For example:
Have you seen Heated Rivalry? It’s about… It’s so interesting how open people are now. I used to date women before (husband’s name). I always felt I couldn’t talk about it because people might think I wasn’t satisfied with him, but it’s great these conversations are happening now.
You can also gently call out the awkwardness ahead of time. Something like:
It’s funny, people sometimes get awkward when I say I’m bisexual, but I’ve never really understood that. It doesn’t change anything. I’m so happy with (husband’s name). It’s not like I want an affair, I just think it’s nice to be honest with the people around me.
Of course, you have to frame it in whatever way feels natural to you.
I’d also remind you that you’re not responsible for managing everyone else’s discomfort. Personal growth can make other people feel a little uncomfortable. You’re modelling late-in-life authenticity, and that’s powerful. Coming out in your fifties is powerful. And it’s okay if that makes some people slightly uncomfortable.
I wish you all the best with this. Good luck, and keep me updated.
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.