Hi Lewis,
This is going to sound awful, but I don’t think I have time to be properly bi.
I’m a bi guy, and I’m genuinely attracted to both men and women. This isn’t a “maybe I’m secretly gay” situation. I love women, I fancy women, and I’d actually like to be sleeping with women more often than I currently do.
The problem is, I work stupid hours. My job is intense, I’m exhausted most evenings, and when I do have the energy for sex, men are just easier.
That sounds bad, but I don’t mean it in a horrible way. If I want to sleep with a guy, I can go on a hook-up app, go to a bar, chat to someone, and everyone pretty much knows what they’re there for. It’s simple. It’s direct. There isn’t a huge performance around it.
With women, at least in my experience, it feels like a much longer process. Dating apps, messages, drinks, dinner, another date, trying not to seem too forward, trying not to seem like a creep, trying to work out if we’re even on the same page. By the time sex is even a possibility, I’ve usually lost the will to live.
I know that makes me sound like a terrible person. I don’t think women owe me sex, and I’m not angry that they have boundaries. But the reality is that if I’ve got one free evening, sex with a man feels achievable. Sex with a woman feels like I need to submit a business case and wait six to eight working days.
So my sex life ends up being mostly men, not because I’m more attracted to men, but because it’s easier and faster. And then I start wondering if I’m accidentally living a gay life just because I’m too busy and tired to do bisexuality properly.
Is this just laziness? Is it a phase? Or is this something other bi men deal with too?
Cheers,
Alex
Hi Alex,
I think you’ve touched on something real here, and you are not the first bi guy to come to me with this very specific problem.
The first thing to say is that it’s definitely not just you, and you’re not imagining it. Whilst there are always exceptions to the rule, men and women do tend to behave a little bit differently when it comes to courting.
The first thing I would say is this: bisexuality is about attraction, not behavior. There are bi people who are virgins. There are bi people who have only ever slept with men. There are bi people who have only ever slept with women. So please don’t feel like you ever have to perform bisexuality, or maintain some kind of ratio of who you’re sleeping with, to keep the title.
I think the other thing to acknowledge is that there are different pressures around sex when it comes to men and women.
Yes, male-on-male casual sex tends to have fewer obstacles and can be easier to obtain. Whereas women often have more safety concerns, social judgment, and emotional labor when it comes to casual sex.
That can leave bi men feeling like getting a man into bed is like ordering from a food delivery service app, whereas getting a woman into bed is like applying for a mortgage. But that imbalance does exist for a reason, and I think you’re well aware of that.
That said, there are a lot of women out there who are up for casual sex. So it is a matter of finding the spaces where those women are, rather than trying to force casual sex through dating routes that are built for something more traditional.
I think you could definitely do an audit of the apps you’re using. There are apps that are more geared towards hookup culture and sexual openness, and some of those will have women on them that may be open to what you are looking for.
I also think what you’re saying on apps could be something to assess. A lot of men feel like they can’t be direct about what they want, but maybe try a month where your dating profile is clearer. Something like: “Bi guy, not looking for anything serious right now, ladies to the front.” It might put off a lot of women, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. You don’t need to appeal to everyone. You need to find the two or three people who are actually on the same page as you.
There are also sex-positive events. Now, they do come with a bit of a price tag, but it might be worth seeing what’s going on in your local area, or whatever city is nearest to you, and looking for an event where there is a gender mix and where it’s clear the people going are open to casual sex.
The bigger point here is that if sex with men is quicker, easier, and lower admin, it makes sense that you’ve fallen into that pattern. But if you genuinely want women to be part of your sex life, you may need to create the conditions where that can happen.
You don’t need to do bisexuality equally. But you do need to do it honestly.
So no, you are not too busy to be bi. You may just be too tired for the version of dating women you’ve been trying.
Wishing you all the best,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognized by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognizes how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely Lewis will be able to respond.
* Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.