Hi Lewis,
Bit of an awkward one, but I’m hoping you can help.
I’m a guy in my late 20s, and I’ve been in a gay relationship with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. I’ve always identified as gay, but over the last year or so, I’ve found myself watching more and more bi porn.
When I say that, I mean stuff involving men and women, and it’s got to the point where it’s pretty much the only thing that turns me on. The problem is, now I’m struggling in the bedroom with my partner. I either can’t get properly hard or I just don’t feel that into it, even though I do love him.
It’s starting to mess with my head a bit. I don’t know if this means I’m actually bisexual and just haven’t admitted it, or if I’ve just gone too far down a porn rabbit hole. I’ve not told anyone and honestly don’t know where to start. Am I overthinking this, or is there something bigger going on?
Cheers,
Tom
Hi Tom,
Thanks so much for reaching out. It’s a brave first step to talk about a problem like this with someone else. Let’s be honest, this issue is more common than people admit.
The thing about porn is it’s really tricky because it plays on the dopamine system. On my podcast, I’ve actually spoken to experts in the field of porn addiction, and it can be a difficult road. But I think the main thing to start with is that going porn-free can be achieved, and the effects on the brain can be fully reversible. So there is hope.
I guess the first thing to suggest is to try quitting porn. I know this can be easier said than done, but if you’re seeing it affect your real-world relationships, then that should be enough motivation.
A lot of people report relapses and struggling to quit, but there are things you can do along the way. If you do struggle, maybe limit how long you’re allowed to spend watching porn, set a timer. If you can, even rewatch the same three videos. The dopamine circuit thrives on novelty, so if you take that away, the endless scrolling, the constant newness, and just stick to a small number, you may be able to wean yourself off it.
It can be helpful to write a list of your triggers. What leads you to watch porn? Is it boredom? Is it seeing attractive people on Instagram? Figure out the times, places, and motivations behind it, and try to either avoid them or replace them.
And then, really importantly, try to reconnect with your partner. If you feel the urge to watch porn or you’re feeling horny, go and spend time with him. It doesn’t have to lead to full sex, but rechanneling that energy into a real-life connection is going to be important. Retraining your brain to respond to physical touch, rather than high-stimulus on a screen, will help you massively.
Concerning your sexuality, I think it is important to recognise that right now, you’re not responding to people, you’re responding to pixels.
I think once you’ve managed to get porn-free, you’ll then be in a position to take a more honest look at your sexuality. Right now, your brain is so overstimulated in that area that it’s hard to know what’s real. You need to come back to a baseline where you can properly understand what you’re attracted to in the real world.
It’s also worth realising that bi porn doesn’t automatically mean you’re bi. Plenty of straight people watch gay porn and vice versa. Porn can distort what attraction looks like, and it can blur the line between what’s genuinely you and what’s been shaped by constant exposure.
If you do struggle with giving up porn, it might be worth looking at therapy or support groups. Sometimes, having that external structure and accountability can make all the difference.
I know this can be quite a journey, so I’m wishing you the best of luck with it — and do keep me updated.
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.