Hi Lewis,
I’ve been bi for years — an ex first found out and we worked through it together. But now my current (ex) found out after I sexted a trans girl. I know I shouldn’t have done it but felt I had to hide that side of me because I was embarrassed and ashamed.
Since then, she’s shut me out — both from the house and from seeing the kids. She says I’ve lied about everything and that she doesn’t even know who I am anymore.
I’m devastated, depressed, guilt-ridden, and ashamed of myself for my actions and the fact that I couldn’t be who she wanted me to be. There has been no contact — she says she was in love and now hates me and having to process all of this and is still raw (which I understand).
I was just wondering if you had any advice regarding my mental health or anything. I’m 37 and have two kids. My thoughts and state of mind are very dark and low right now.
Thanks a lot,
Phil
Hi Phil,
I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through.
I think the first thing you should do if you’re feeling low about everything is to seek professional help. That’s what it’s there for, and if this is a time of need for you, then definitely find a professional you can talk to who can help you unpack all of this properly.
Secondly, get yourself some legal advice. If your partner is angry, that’s one thing, but denying or restricting your access to the children is much worse than anything you did. The children should be the priority in all of this. If you’re living apart, of course, your time with them is going to be reduced from what it was, but make sure you aim for as close to 50-50 shared time with them as possible, if that works logistically.
I also think you need to reflect on where your guilt lies in this situation. If you’re feeling guilty about sexually messaging someone else, then that’s something you’re going to have to work through. However, if you’re feeling guilty about being bisexual, that is absolutely something you should not feel any guilt over. You can’t help who you are, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being bisexual, so please don’t let shame take hold of you. I think part of how you got into this situation is feeling that you couldn’t be honest about your sexuality with those closest to you, which is, unfortunately, a very common experience for bi men.
A couple of practical thoughts I had:
Maybe try writing a letter to your partner explaining everything. This might allow you the time you need to carefully get your thoughts down and consider what you want to say and how you want to phrase things.
If you’re feeling down, find a trusted friend or relative — someone you can talk to and lean on. Finally, I’ll say this: Mistakes happen. Learn from them, but don’t beat yourself up about them forever.
I’m wishing you all the best, and thank you for reaching out.
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.