Hi, Lewis.
I really loved your book. Thanks for putting it out there. I’m sure it’s been very helpful for many people. You probably wrote it thinking it would reduce the number of emails you received. And I’m guessing the opposite has proven to be true.
I’m a man in my early 40s, and for about twenty years I’ve identified as gay. But the truth is, I don’t think I ever fully was. The label never felt quite right for me. I always assumed that was just because I didn’t like labels in general. Still, everyone else seemed comfortable using it, and I eventually accepted it too.
When I was younger, I probably came across as stereotypically gay. I didn’t feel comfortable embracing my masculine side until my late twenties or early thirties. But even then, I was still attracted to women. Not as strongly as I was to men, but the attraction was always there. I’d see a woman and feel that spark—if I allowed myself to notice it. I didn’t have much success with women when I was younger, though, so in my mind, “being gay” became a way to explain that.
Since turning 40, I’ve started caring less about what other people think, and I’ve realized that I denied myself a real period of exploration. I’d hate to think it’s too late for that now. I’ve also noticed that, in my experience, most gay men aren’t interested in having families, but I’ve always wanted one. And now it feels as if I may have cut myself off from that possibility too.
I don’t want to deny myself the opportunity to explore again, but my concern is that I don’t want to be seen as using people. I have a suspicion that this exploration wouldn’t be tolerated very well by women (or men for that matter) in their 30s or 40s. I imagine it being seen as a mid-life crisis thing by many. Whatever. I’m getting over living my life to make other people comfortable, but at the same time I don’t want to genuinely hurt anyone.
Do you have any advice? Have you ever encountered someone in a similar situation? Thanks for reading.
Yours,
Stroppy Smurf
Hey Stroppy Smurf!
Loved your email — so many men reached out to me with this exact problem, but you’ve expressed it really well.
Your self-awareness is excellent. You know where you are and how you got here, so I don’t need to unpack that much. I’ll just say this: it’s very common, so don’t be hard on yourself — you’re in good company.
To your question, my answer is simple: go for it, and be unapologetic! You only get one life. Do you want to stay in your box to keep the peace, or live this life for yourself? You’ve already spoken about the experiences you feel you’ve missed, so why not draw a line under that and say, “no more”? From here on, you’re going to explore every opportunity.
What you need most is fearlessness. Yes, some people won’t be receptive — some may even think it’s a midlife crisis — and that’s their right. But others will be receptive. Go flirt with 100 people; if 10 are interested, one of them might just be the person you’re looking for.
It’s time to stop worrying about what people think. Be unapologetic. Accept that some people will close the door on you, but don’t let that stop you. If you can, find a friend to be your wingman — or just someone to share your stories with and help keep your spirits up.
Wishing you all the best,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.