Hi Lewis.
I’ve known I was bisexual from a young age. After several relationships, I decided it might be easier to stay single long-term.
Then my best friend asked me to marry her. She was under family pressure and didn’t want to marry someone she didn’t know well. I agreed, partly because I’d just come out of a painful breakup. I told her I was bisexual before we married, and she said she was okay with it.
We’ve now been married for nearly two decades and have four children. For many years, life was good. We were close, had a strong family unit, and were seen as a very solid couple. My bisexuality wasn’t discussed, and I kept that part of myself private.
A few years ago, I connected with a man online. It turned into a short but intense emotional and physical relationship. Afterwards, guilt overwhelmed me and I told my wife everything.
Since then, our marriage has been extremely strained. My wife sees this as betrayal and struggles to move past it. I ended the outside relationship and committed to staying, but intimacy between us hasn’t recovered despite years of trying.
I’ve suggested couples therapy, but my wife doesn’t want anyone else to know. We’re both suffering, emotionally and physically, and everything feels stuck.
I don’t know what the right path forward is anymore, but writing this has helped me feel less alone.
ED
Hi Ed,
Thank you so much for reaching out, and I’m really sorry to hear that you’re struggling.
I think there are a few factors at play here. The first thing I’ll say is that, in principle, this isn’t actually about bisexuality. At the end of the day, the agreement that’s been broken is around monogamy. Whether this had been with a man or with a woman, I think you almost need to separate those two things. Ask yourself: how would your wife have reacted if this had been with a woman? Would it have been worse, easier, or exactly the same?
I also think that when you’ve been in a relationship as long as you have, there can sometimes be an element of “the grass is greener”, or “you only live once”. Thoughts like: this life is fine, but what about the things I might be missing out on? That’s a very human experience, and it happens to gay, straight, and bi people.
From your letter, it sounds like you’re struggling with the idea that telling the truth would heal the situation, but instead it’s made things worse. The important thing to realise is that telling the truth doesn’t undo the emotional impact of betrayal. Realistically, your wife consented to a relationship with someone who was bisexual, she didn’t consent to infidelity. Being open about your sexuality doesn’t automatically include permission to act on it, I think you already know that.
Where I do draw the line is that I think it’s unfair for your wife to rewrite the entire marriage as a lie. You were honest from the beginning, and that matters. You were honest about who you are. And realistically, if she had married a straight man, she could be in this exact same position, straight men cheat too.
I do think you need to think more deeply about this idea of abstinence. I don’t know that it’s a real solution. Promising to suppress yourself for the rest of your life is more likely to breed resentment, secrecy, or lead to another slip down the line. When a bisexual person is in a relationship, it shouldn’t be about suppressing who they are. The healthiest relationships I’ve seen are where you’re so emotionally and sexually connected that you’re not thinking about the sex or relationships you’re not having. So it might be worth asking yourself whether this relationship can truly fulfill you emotionally and sexually if it gets back on track, without you feeling like you’re sacrificing part of yourself or constantly fighting who you are.
Ultimately, though, you can’t stay in a situation where you’re being punished forever. At some point, she either needs to forgive you, or you need to call time on the relationship. Her resistance to therapy may come from fear or shame, or not wanting other people involved who might validate your needs or challenge her perspective. It may help to remind her that couples therapy doesn’t mean going public, it’s confidential. Reassuring her about that might make her more open to it.
Right now, you’re stuck in limbo. You’re not repairing the marriage, and you’re not grieving the relationship and moving on. You can’t stay in limbo forever. Friendship isn’t enough, it doesn’t replace intimacy. And years of emotional punishment doesn’t rebuild trust anyway. Realistically, it sounds like you’re both suffering, just in different ways.
You’ve told the truth. You’ve apologised. You’ve offered therapy. At this point, the only thing left may be to confront the situation head on and say something like: this isn’t working, and we haven’t been able to repair or move forward. You might decide on a timeframe, three months, six months, whatever feels right for you, after which, if nothing changes, you’ll have to move on. That may help her see that you’re serious, either about fixing the relationship or about reclaiming your life, and force an honest reassessment of whether this can truly be repaired, or whether she’s holding on to something that’s already broken.
Thank you again for reaching out. This is a horrible, complex situation, and I really feel for you. I wish you all the luck in the world with it.
Many thanks,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.