I Was Outed In Front of 2,000 People

I came out as bi in front of about 2,000 people. Or rather, I was outed by someone else in front of basically my entire high school.

A girl I was friends with who knew I was bi revealed that she had a crush on me. Then one day, right as school was letting out and everyone thronged the main foyer, she said goodbye to me by kissing me full on the lips in front of the whole student body. Nobody gave me any serious trouble about it, but word spread like wildfire. Everyone knew. I’d have liked to have been the one to come out on my own terms, but that’s how things went down. Looking back, it was a sort of emblematic beginning to my life as an openly bi person.

I first realized that I liked girls as well as boys when I was eight years old. I remember the first time I was kissed by a boy at age 10, and thinking to myself, “That was nice, I wonder what it would feel like with this girl in my class…” By middle school and high school, it was the sort of thing my friends knew. Even though my entire school later learned I was bi, my relatives didn’t. I hid my sexuality from my family for my own safety. I came out to a few family members in my mid-20s, and, now in my late-30s, I’m no longer in contact with most of them. It was a really bad situation I had to get away from.

Even though I pretty much lost my biological family, I found a new family of my own, made up of wonderful friends, partners, and peers who unconditionally have my back. My friends have been my greatest supporters, affirming that I am who I am, and that anyone who doesn’t accept me can show themselves the door. To an introverted person like me, someone who is kind of prone to closeting themselves and not always speaking up, having people in your corner, people who’d do anything for you, has been so enormously helpful in accepting myself and in connecting with like-minded people. Realizing you’re not alone, that you’re not the only one who feels this way, is so huge if you don’t have a lot of support structures to fall back on. It’s also opened a lot of doors for me. I’ve networked with local community organizers, attended many LGBT events, and become plugged into the activist community here in Toronto, Canada. My activism spans LGBT rights, feminism, gender-nonconformity, mental health, and of course bi visibility.

There’s a lot of confusion around bisexuality. I’ve encountered many cis men in particular who think that because I’m bi I must be into threesomes or fulfilling some other sexual fantasy. Others simply see me as a lesbian and are convinced that their irresistible charms can “fix me” and turn me straight. The most biphobia I’ve experienced, however, has come from within the queer community.

A lot of queer people still feel comfortable telling bi folks to “pick a side”, or insisting that we’re just gay and confused about it. Instead of seeing me, and trying to get to know me, some people are fixated on putting me into some kind of box and slapping it with their own labels. If I bring a male partner to an LGBT event, I’m perceived, and sometimes told, that I’m “straight passing”. If I bring a female partner, I’ve finally “made that decision”. Being married to an amazing guy, as I was for years, being seen as straight — it can cause some serious queer imposter syndrome. I often wondered whether I was faking my bisexuality, whether I was really bi enough, and whether it was just a “phase” as so many people insisted.

That being said, I don’t fight with people. I know that can be an unpopular opinion among some activists. The way I see it is a little like that meme, “If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don’t have my number then you don’t know me well enough to have a problem with me.” For me, being a bi activist is about getting institutions to do right by the bi community and getting the seat at the table that we deserve, not trying to battle with every individual hater. If a situation gets out of hand, you have to deal with it, but garden variety ignorance from people I don’t know, I just let it roll off me. I know who I am. The people who love me know who I am. If you want to persist in some negative stereotype about me, without even knowing me, that’s on you. It was a long and bumpy road to arrive at that little nugget of wisdom.

I was widowed six years ago. As I said, a long and bumpy road. But there’s so much beauty as well. I’m in a new relationship now, I have friends who love me for who I am, and I’m comfortable in my own skin. It finally feels like I’m living life, not just out of the closet, but fully on my own terms.

If you’d like to share your own bi story, please email us at [email protected].