I turned my abusive childhood into a lifelong crusade to help kids

I remember coming across Victoria’s Secret catalogs as a kid. Leafing through the pages and seeing the models, well, I liked what I saw. But what did that mean? Was I just admiring female beauty? It became clear over time, as I found myself fantasizing about having sexual and romantic relationships with women, that it was something much more. This only brought more confusion. My Long Island Catholic upbringing drilled into me that girls liked boys, and boys liked girls. So did this mean that I was actually a boy?

Growing up, I always had an inkling that I was bi, but because of the environment in which I lived, it was hard to admit that to myself. Oftentimes, it was hard just getting through the days. There were times when I was really fighting with myself — times, even, when I didn’t want to live.

To call my family abusive would be an understatement. I was subjected to physical abuse from my father, emotional abuse from my mother, and sexual abuse from my father and one of my brothers. I was even abused financially, as my father, unemployed due to alcohol problems, forced me to pay the mortgage for a time with money I’d saved working at a bagel shop for college. And when I wasn’t being abused, I was completely neglected.

I left home for good when I was 18 after my father physically attacked me. Leaving with little more than the clothes on my back and $200 in my bank account from a lacrosse scholarship, I basically had to rebuild my life from scratch. Thankfully, I wasn’t alone. My partner, a wonderful man I’m still with to this day, was there for me every step of the way. Together, we not only built a new and better life together, he also helped me come out of my shell. When I told him that I liked women as well as men, he was the one who suggested that I might be bi — and more importantly, that it was okay.

Once I accepted my bisexuality, everything took off from there. I told my friends, had my first fully acknowledged female crush, and joined the LGBT club at university, which allowed me to meet other bi people and begin building a queer community for myself. The first time I had a same-sex kiss sealed the deal. I knew that this was right — that this was me. (My partner and I also realized that we were polyamorous.) The next thing I knew I was coming out everywhere — which, as a bi person, you kind of have to do. People tend to assume I’m straight because of my relationship, or actually lesbian because I’m also attracted to women.

Having escaped an abusive family, I dedicated my life to helping other kids in troubled situations. I became a school social worker and clinical therapist. In my work, being bi is an asset that helps me help other queer folks. Many of the students I work with are LGBT — in fact, there are a lot more LGBT young people than I think most people would probably expect. Everyone knows how progressive New York City is, but Long Island can be very socially conservative, and there’s a lot of judgment against queer people. Even with my own experiences, I never realized just how bad it was until I began working as a social worker in the school system. At the same time, I’ve also witnessed a clear shift over the years in which young people feel increasingly comfortable to be openly LGBT compared to how things were for me growing up.

I’m 29 years old now. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in contact with my parents, but I’ve recently reconnected with one of my brothers who is finally coming around to acknowledging just how dysfunctional our family was. One lesson I’ve learned is to lean on your relationships. People think of “resilience” as being an individual thing, but having strong relationships, people you can turn to, is a powerful form of resilience. No one should think they have to go it alone. I’ve also learned how much strength and power there is in finding purpose in helping others. Sometimes I’m amazed at what I went through, and how I came out the other end intact, but turning my traumatic past into helping others build a brighter future makes it all worthwhile.

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