Hi Lewis,
I am a 29-year-old bi man. I was in a beautiful three-year relationship with my girlfriend, whom I love very much, and we have a great emotional and physical connection. I had been attracted to men before, but I was always in denial of my sexuality. During my relationship, the curiosity was still there, and I went onto the apps to explore my sexuality and talk to men. Though I never met anyone, I knew it was still cheating.
I came out to my girlfriend and told her about me going on the apps and talking to men behind her back. She accepted my bisexuality but could not take the cheating. We broke up eventually. It has been six months now since the break up, but we still love each other. I’ve explored my sexuality since then, and I’ve realized that I want to spend my life with my ex-girlfriend. I have been working on myself and have taken full accountability for my actions in front of her.
My ex and I have discussed giving our relationship another chance, but she’s struggling to trust me again. I want to be sure before committing, as I know I’m still attracted to men. How can I make sure I don’t make the same mistakes and hurt her again, since I truly love her?
Thank you so much!
David
Hi David,
Firstly, it’s important to recognise that you’ve already taken the first step by coming clean — not just about your sexuality but also about the cheating. You’re already on a fresh page, and it’s now up to you to make the most of it.
In situations like yours, I always recommend taking the bisexual element out of the equation. Lots of straight men are curious about their other options and may message other women while in a relationship. And lots of straight men struggle with monogamy and staying loyal to one woman. In that sense, your problems aren’t unique.
It’s a really odd thing that, as a society, we pretend that once we’re in a relationship, our hormones die, and we no longer find other people attractive. This unwillingness to confront basic reality means there’s not a lot of discussion about how people handle attraction outside of their relationship. Some completely shut themselves off, others flirt a little, and some simply appreciate an attractive person from afar. But please don’t feel like it isn’t normal.
What’s really important is discussing where the line is with your partner. Having this conversation will help build trust and show that you take the relationship and your commitment seriously. There are many different kinds of relationships — some people are in non-monogamous arrangements, which I’m guessing isn’t an option for you. But there are other things to explore. For instance, would she have an issue with you going to a nudist beach or a naked sauna? Would she be uncomfortable with you watching gay porn? A threesome? Talking about what crosses the line will help establish the boundaries you’re working within.
The other big question is whether you’re getting what you need from the relationship. If your eye is wandering, perhaps there are issues closer to home that need addressing. Only you can identify them, but it’s worth reflecting on. Let’s also not forget that sexual energy can fade over time. This is because, by nature, humans respond to novelty when it comes to sex. So, what are you doing to keep your sex life fresh?
There’s a lot you could try — some couples take on sex challenges, like committing to having sex once a day for three weeks. Others enjoy role-play, using role-play cards to act out different fantasies each time. Even a simple sex quiz, where you both discuss what you enjoy, what you’ve never tried, and what you might be open to, can help. Perhaps every time your eye wanders, you should redirect that energy into doing something loving with your partner — which doesn’t always have to be about sex.
To that point, the first thing you could do is create a plan for when temptation arises. Instead of just suppressing attraction, decide how you’re going to handle it in a healthy and appropriate way. It’s always good to remind yourself of your reasons for wanting this relationship and to recognise that any relationship requires sacrifice. It’s not all rainbows and happiness all the time — sometimes you’ll want to do something and won’t be able to, whether that’s sleeping with a hot guy who walks by or watching your own show while your partner’s programme is on.
Finally, I’d recommend having someone to talk to. This doesn’t have to be another bi person — many straight and gay people struggle with temptation too. The key is finding someone you can be honest with. Having someone outside of your relationship to talk to might help you process your feelings, and they may offer advice that resonates with you.
Ultimately, rebuilding trust will take time, consistency, and actions that align with your words. It’s a journey, but I’m sure you can do it.
Wishing you the best of luck,
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.