Hi, Lewis!
Thanks for providing this resource — I’m feeling a little lost right now. I’m a cis woman in my 30s, and for me, understanding what I want, both sexually and romantically, has always been hard.
As a child, I experienced a lot of abuse and religious trauma that stunted my emotional development. I didn’t come out as bi until I was 30, and by then, I was already in a relationship with a man (we’re in an open relationship, by the way). Since coming out, I’ve realised that I’m sexually attracted to all genders. However, romantic attraction is where I’m struggling.
I’ve always had a difficult time in relationships with men. In my younger years, I’d often push myself into serious situations with guys I didn’t find attractive at all — out of a mix of fear of sex and a desire to find “normalcy”. My current partner isn’t like that. We’ve always had a strong sexual connection, and we’re deeply bonded as friends. But I still question whether I’m romantically attracted to him — or any man. I struggle to feel that deep, loving connection with men and have never really understood why women fall in love with them. I’m not sure if that’s a lack of emotional attraction or if it stems from my trauma and never having had a stable father figure.
That said, I’ve always found myself secretly in love with close female friends, and as an adult, I’d now expand that to include non-binary people. I feel an intense romantic pull towards women (and NB folks), but not men.
Does this mean I’m romantically a lesbian but sexually bi? Or is it that I have a deep wound around men, making it hard to connect with them emotionally? My partner is an exception because of how close we are. But even with him, I struggle to feel romantic love. Then again, maybe that’s just something we need to work on.
Thanks for reading.
I’d love to know your thoughts,
Katie
Hi Katie,
You’ve hit on one of the trickiest things about being bi. A lot of people assume that bi people are either equally attracted to all the genders they’re attracted to, or that they have a clear, fixed preference. The truth is, it’s even messier than that. Sometimes, we have one preference sexually and a completely different one romantically, and those preferences can shift over time. So yes, it can be absolutely confusing.
The only question I was left with after reading your letter is whether you’ve had long-term relationships with women. You clearly articulate the trauma you’ve experienced with men, but it sounds like your long-term relationships have mainly been with them. That makes it difficult to assess whether what you’re feeling is a reaction to past pain, or just the natural fading of that “gloss” that often happens the longer you’re in a relationship.
As for the secret feelings you have for a female friend, that’s pure potential, not a lived reality. Of course, it’s going to feel amazing because it exists in fantasy. It’s not to say that if you got together, it wouldn’t be great, but you might eventually find yourself having similar doubts about her, too.
Ultimately, I think the bigger question here is: what do you want? And what’s enough for you? Part of me wants to say that not everyone feels fireworks, a soulmate-level connection, or even a slightly overwhelming romantic love in a relationship. Some people are deeply connected as friends, enjoy spending time together, and have great sexual chemistry, which makes for a happy and valid relationship.
Is it possible that you’re putting too much pressure on your relationships to tick every box? And then using bisexuality as the lens through which you try to explain any perceived shortcoming?
Ask yourself what a fulfilling relationship looks like for you. What are the non-negotiables? What are the nice-to-haves? And where does your current relationship fit within that?
All of this takes work, time, and exploration, so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. As a general rule, identify the people and things that make you feel good, and spend as much time with those people and doing those things as you can. Don’t overthink it.
Lewis
Bi people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bi can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.