Solo on Valentine's Day and Still Bi

By Zachary Zane

February 10, 2017



Photo credit: Unsplash/Laura Ockel

Valentine's Day is just around the corner, and all I can say is, "For the love of God, this shit again?”

It's not that I'm the Grinch of Valentine's Day. I don't hate love or romance or anything like that. On the contrary, I'm a sappy, hopeless romantic who tears up at every romantic comedy. I love giving and receiving gifts from my partners and I'm damn good at all this romance stuff. When I was 16, I asked my first partner out on Valentine's Day. I played her a song I wrote on my guitar and asked her to "be official". Yeah, I'm that guy.

Unsplash/Shamim Nakhaei

But the older I get, the less appealing Valentine's Day becomes, regardless of whether I'm single or not. Like many people, the consumerism of the holiday bothers me. It's not just the commodification of love that leaves a sour taste in my mouth, though. I don't like high-pressure romance and fun. Can any experience live up to the expectations of a holiday dedicated to over-the-top romantic gestures?

Since coming out as bi, I've found myself rejecting Valentine's Day even more, but there's nothing inherent about being bi that affects my attitude towards V-Day. The two are unrelated. Whether you're gay, straight, or bi, love is love. Valentine's Day should be the same for all of us.

Here's what I realized my Valentine's hang-up is.

Bisexuality is a huge part of my identity. I talk about being bi more than most people talk about their sexual orientation. I've also made a career of discussing my bisexuality, identity politics, dating, relationships, and the like. In terms of how I view myself, my bisexuality is one of the most important things about me. So much about my life stems from being bi.

This is not universally true of bisexual folks. It's part of who they are, but they may not view their bisexuality as a critical aspect of their identity, or as huge a part of their identity as I do.

Of course, everyone is different and either way is fine. Your sexual identity can play as large or as small a role in your life as you damn well please. There is no one right way to be bi.

Valentine's Day is about expressing gratitude for the meaningful and loving relationships that we have in our lives. In theory, this is beautiful. My romantic nature and my openness to forming these connections with both men and women should make this the perfect holiday for me.

Unsplash/Tallie Robinson

Here's the thing: Even though I define myself in large part by my attraction to both sexes, and even though I desire to have and make meaningful romantic connections, I still do not need a single person to make me whole.

I'm a grown-ass human being. Regardless of my orientation, I want to be able to be happy alone. No matter the sheer number of people to whom I could be potentially attracted, I don't need to be dating anyone. I can and do spend time on myself and my own growth.

So many people think of bi folks as "greedy", as "wanting it all"; always on the hunt for new, more, or different partners, that they forget we’re also people who can be alone.

Yes, I'm bi. Yes, my attraction isn't limited to one sex. No, simply because I'm attracted to males and females does not mean that I need to spend my entire life consumed by dating. Especially not at the cost of my own personal growth.


So yeah, V-Day gets me a little more riled up than it should, and it definitely has to do with my own issues that I'm working on. But this year, I'm going to pass on the roses and chocolates and focus on growing as a person.