The Unicorn Scale: All Cheerleaders Die

I’m not sure why, but I seem to be on a queer undead cheerleader flick kick. This is clearly an underappreciated genre that I am here to explore. Last month I was watching Jennifer’s Body (2009), and this week, in honor of Halloween, I’m diving into All Cheerleaders Die (2013).

This movie tells the story of Mäddy (Caitlin Stasey #oneofus). Her best friend dies in a freak cheerleading accident, and Mäddy (who is the counter-culture artsy lesbian) shocks everyone by joining the cheerleading squad. We soon learn that she is infiltrating the cheerleaders to get revenge on the captain of the football team. A whole lot of things happen, the cheerleaders die, are resurrected by Mäddy's ex-girlfriend, and chaos and murder ensue. Any attempt to explain further will only make it more confusing.

If you don’t want to have the movie spoiled (it’s only 59 minutes long), go watch it on your streaming platform of choice before proceeding. There will be SPOILERS ahead. If you want to learn more about how The Unicorn Scale works, head on over here for an explanation.

What I Liked:

Why is this a Unicorn Scale? One of the queen bee cheerleaders Tracy Bingham (Brooke Butler).

After Alexis’s (Felisha Cooper) death, Tracy starts dating the football captain Terry (Tom Williamson). She seems to really like him and confesses to Mäddy that she had a crush on him before Alexis died. Mäddy seems to judge Tracy for the betrayal but clearly tries to hide her feelings. She then starts playing with Tracy’s hair.

She eventually tells Tracy that Terry has been cheating on her and convinces Tracy to dump the football player. It’s unclear, like many things in this movie, if Mäddy is lying or not, but it really doesn’t matter. Tracy asks if the rumors about Mäddy and Alexis were true and leans in for a kiss. I groaned internally, thinking that this was going to be a salacious drunk cheerleader “experimenting” scene. I was pleasantly surprised when the scene ends quickly, and Mäddy helps get a drunk Tracy home.

And then I was shocked. Tracy seems to really, really like Mäddy. The two get snuggly in public and don’t really try to hide their growing relationship. In fact, Tracy is clearly falling in love with Mäddy. She admits that she hasn’t dated a woman before but also isn’t fighting it.

And then Tracy turns out to be my favorite character. Her terrible ex-boyfriend shows up belligerent at a party. He also seems possessed, but I think that he’s just supposed to have enormous anger issues, or maybe he has his own magical powers. Again, don’t watch this for a sophisticated plot. Terry confronts Tracy, and she stands up to him in a big way. Terry insults all of the cheerleaders and makes a deeply revolting misogynistic speech. Tracey walks up and responds,

You know… I’m not going to say you have a small dick, Terry, because that would just be predictable. I mean it’s not big and that’s fine. But for sake of the puppies [freshman girls], I want to make sure you know how to use it. Three people in my 17 years have made me come. Myself of course. This really sweet boy at summer camp the summer after freshman year… lovely fingers on that boy. And then not ten minutes ago, I got my frickin socks rocked off by Mäddy.

Yes, I cheered.

Her sexuality was something she owned, and she was totally unashamed of the fact that she had had satisfying and fulfilling sexual experiences with that boy at summer camp, Mäddy, and of course herself.

It also seems like her fellow cheerleaders were unphased by her confession. Admittedly there was a lot of other stuff happening, and then they all died and undied, but no one abandoned Tracy in her time of need.

Once they are undead, they get the fantastic queen bee undead high school hallway walk that is delightful and also signals the beginning of the revenge movie.

Tracy was not the token bi. It is implied that Alexis had also been in a relationship with Mäddy. She also isn't the only confirmed queer character. Mäddy is happily an out lesbian cheerleader at her school, and no one seems to care. Then there's Leena (Sianoa Smit-McPhee), who I've not mentioned thus far because her Wicca magic ex-girlfriend role is the most incoherent. However, it is her undying love for Mäddy that resurrects the girls.

At first, I was worried that Tracy's affection for Mäddy was going to be a few groping scenes and not much else. I was pleasantly surprised to see a real relationship begin to happen.

It was also refreshing to see a genre flick in which the lead character is queer, and no one seems to care. Mäddy's sexuality has nothing to do with the conflict, and we're all too busy trying to follow her elaborate revenge scheme to care.

What I Didn’t Like:

Most of my complaints have very little to do with the portrayal of bisexuality. This movie was never out to win any Oscars, and that’s fine. It’s a campy comedy horror film with all of the failings that go along with that.

Parts of the plot make no sense, Mäddy’s motivations are revealed in the most confusing way possible, and I’m still unclear on why Terry is The Worst Person EVER and why everyone puts up with him. It seems like he is terrible to literally everyone, and still, everyone loves him.

There are plenty of other critiques of this movie out there, but again, it did right by the bis.

I would have loved if anyone had used the word bisexual because I do think there’s power in hearing it, but I’d like to imagine that Tracy would have gotten there if she hadn’t been killed, resurrected, and killed again. There’s only so much poor Tracy could do in a 59-minute movie.

The Rating:

I learned that I enjoy a good queer undead cheerleader flick. Please let me know if there are more out there that I’m missing (@taliaasquires on Twitter). Was this movie great? Absolutely not. Did it show a teenager confidently defending her right to explore her own sexuality and enjoy it? Yes.