The Mini Unicorn Scale: Volume 4

By Jennie Roberson

January 27, 2020

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Photo credit: Unsplash/Tony Pham

Hey howdy hey, Unicorns! And Happy New Year to you! Is it too late in the month to still say “Happy New Year?” Seems to vary from person to person. Whatever. I’m still wishing you a happy one. And a happy new DECADE! It’s pretty bananas to think we’re now in the ‘20s, no? I don’t have a flapper dress yet. Maybe this time around it’ll get fitted with a jet pack — one which is environmentally sustainable, of course.

You know, I keep thinking this little section has run its course, and then more bi songs pop into my head, like the little earworms they are. How lucky are we to get more and more representation on the queer music front? It’s something I dearly wished for when I was a bi teen, that’s for sure and certain. In fact, there is so much out there that I’ve got a few months’ worth of minis coming up, so I’m gonna try to go with something new: themes. Each month I’m gonna try to stick to a theme with our beautiful bi ditties, starting in February. Will this work? Maybe. Will you have lots and lots of queer music to choose from? Definitely.

Bigstock/Wayhome Studio

So with that in mind, this month is a bit more of a hodge-podge. (C’mon, it’s a New Year; lemme take it slow with a new habit.) It is January, so these songs do have a bit of a transitional motif to them— which comes about in all kinds of permutations. What do I mean by that? Well, follow me down the aural rabbit hole, and let’s see where this new decade of minis takes us. If this is your first time around these parts, feel free to read up on our rating system here.

1. Halsey ft. Lauren Jauregui, “Strangers”

We kick off this month with a song that includes not one, but two openly bi musicians: Halsey and Lauren Jauregui. The ditty features two women singing about how their relationship has changed, what it means to them as well as where they’ve been. So not only do we get some same-sex pronouns for our lovers (“she/her” features prominently in the characters singing about each other), but also a clear story of conflict and loss when one wants more than the other partner wants to give. Most people, bi or otherwise, can vibe with that type of push-and-pull problem. The music video reflects that issue, showing the two singers paralleling their problem with a literal boxing match before Halsey moves on to someone new.

At first, the music video landed in hot water due to complaints about perceived bi-erasure, but Halsey came to its defense, and I think the storyline clearly shows her character’s attraction to more than one gender. The song is maddeningly catchy — once I hear it, I can’t get the chorus’ hook out of my head — and so it makes a perfect kickstart to this list.

four unicorns

2) Amy Winehouse, “Valerie” (cover)

With its bopping bass hook, this classic treatment to a classic gets a bi twist from a #bicon — Amy Winehouse herself. One of her cheerier songs, this may not seem like an obvious pick at first for this list. No, Winehouse didn’t pen this track, but this was an artist at the top of her game, who could have had her pick of any song in multiple catalogs to give her spin, and she chose this one. The fact that the beehived chanteuse, one of the biggest queer icons of the last twenty years, decided to pick “Valerie” and not change the pronouns feels like a move of pure, bi defiance.

Plus, c’mon: this gets everyone’s toes tapping.

three unicorns

3) Lucy & La Mer, “Blue Dress”

I’m not gonna say there’s something about this song. Because it’s everything about this song. Lucy & la Mer, who is no stranger to this website but is making her debut here in the Minis, wrote and produced this ditty all about queer attractions at a party. From the singer mentioning feeling drawn to the girl in the blue dress as well as acknowledging her boyfriend, to the tune’s dreamy arrangement, to the music video featuring a male bi character of color (Yay! Male bi representation!) and a guest star turn from “professional bisexual” Gaby Dunn, this ditty is queer from tip to toe.

There’s something about this queer song that makes me so-o-o … happy.

four unicorns

4) Stephen Lynch, “Denzel”


Now before I dive into my mini-review, I need to point out some crucial things about the video I linked above:

1. It is NOT the complete or final version of the song; there is no available version of it (yet) on YouTube;
2. That is NOT how the song ends whatsoever; truly, it’s worth finding on Spotify or iTunes (or your preferred music provider) to hear the final version.

I wanted to add this lullaby-like ditty for a few reasons. One, I can’t stand a playlist that is all the same tempo, and I know my first few songs were mid-tempo or faster. Second, I wanted to include a song about male bisexuality because, shocker, there’s a lot less representation on that front. I found both with “Denzel”.

“Denzel” comes across a pair of lovers who are tenderly comparing their hall passes — essentially the celebs they’d be okay with the other partner banging if they got the chance without ruining the relationship. After the woman lists her three, the male singer declares his — and (spoiler alert) they find they have a man in common on their lists.

While Stephen Lynch is both a comedic musician and has never declared himself to be anything but straight, this song is not about making bis the butt of the joke. Quite the opposite. After the first reveal, Lynch’s character not only gives an eloquent explanation and defense of his sexual fluidity, but also his partner is cool with it.

I only wish this was a more common story for bis out there. I was so surprised and moved by the song when my friend had me listen to it that I teared up with recognition and delight. Hopefully, you will too.

four unicorns

5) Panic! At the Disco, “Girls/Girls/Boys”

Talk about bi anthems. Here we’ve got bi+ men representation from #OneofUs Brendon Urie, singing about a bi woman, and throwing out memorable queer lines such as “girls like girls and boys", “love is not a choice”, and just celebrating that bis are not required to choose. What’s not to love? 

four unicorns

6) Lady Gaga, “Poker Face”

I believe in ending a playlist strong, and what’s more mighty than a monster hit from Oscar-winning singer Lady Gaga (#Bi2) People like to conveniently forget this song is all about Gaga’s bisexuality, laden with intricate metaphors and double entendres about wanting to bang a woman while she’s sleeping with a man. Emotionally honest? Maybe not. Relatable? Well, a lady never tells.

four unicorns

That’s all I’ve got for now, bbs! Tune in next month when I hit the themes hard —  ‘cause “if it’s not rough, it isn’t fun”. See you in February! In the meantime, heed this universally great and attainable New Year’s resolution: Be excellent to each other.

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