Ever feel like a total disaster and not sure what to do about it? Andrea Mosqueda decided to write a book about it. Join me in this transcription of my wide-ranging Zoom interview with the YA author about the ins and outs of her debut bi YA novel, how much playlists help her in her writing process, her obsession with makeup, and everything in between.
Jennie Roberson: How did you come to identify as bi?
Andrea Mosqueda: I was definitely, as a kid, unsure what options were as far as sexuality. “I like boys, kind of... [but] girls are cool, too. [And] people who are non-binary. I don't know if there's a term to encompass all of these things.” And growing up in a more conservative area [with] a conservative family, I wasn't really sure who to ask about these kinds of things.
And then the first time I fell for a boy I was just like, “Oh yeah, of course I'm straight.” And then was like, “Oh no, I actually have liked my best friend this whole time, too.”
So I think once I came to understand bisexuality is - something that I think a lot of people have different definitions of. What I tell people is “I like my gender, and not [like] my gender.” I definitely think it's evolved over the years, but I think part of me has always known and rightfully feared as a kid from a conservative area what the rest of my life would be like.
So that was how I came to identify as bi. I definitely didn't come out until I was in my twenties, until I was like 21. Sure. And had kind of a community. So I had a bit of a late start, I guess, but we're here.
Yeah, that’s wildly common because of exactly what you said. Most people do not know there is a “Secret Option C” when we're growing up. So know that you're not alone in that.
How do you see yourself as a writer, and how does being bi fold into that?
AM: As a writer, I see myself as [more] of a lens than anything else. When I create, when I do things, it's mostly things I interpret from my own perspective.
It's funny because being bi really helps me experience all of my characters in different ways. Because there's so much kind of fluidity in being bi, and a lot of freedom that it gives me, it allows me to imagine emotional scenarios and stories from different perspectives simply because I can understand how things feel.
For example, I can understand what a straight boy character is going to do when he likes a girl, ‘cause I know what it's like to like a girl. I don't know what it's like to be a straight boy, but I know what it's like to like a girl. So I think it pushes me to step outside of myself, ‘cause I know I have the capacity to understand a lot of varying emotions and different kinds of relationships. But I think that kind of openness and fluidity seeps into everything I write.
I think what really influences my writing as far as me being queer is internalized heteronormativity, and the way it influences what I write when I have to question my own self and be like, “Well, is this how I feel, or is this something that I've been taught to feel?” And all that stuff that you internalize. And you think that you're past it because you're like, “Oh, I'm bi, I'm out. I'm really happy and I'm proud of myself and it's great. Of course I'm not biphobic.” But you have your own internalized biphobia that you have to deal with one hundred percent, and wonder what you're saying about your characters who are bi and what that does to them, and [to] your perception of them.
Yeah. What better way to recognize and explore inner conflict than examining your own internalized biphobia and how that affects you?
AM: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Absolutely.
What has your experience been like being out as a bi writer?
AM: It’s been great because I love that, having written the book that I wrote, a lot of people feel comfortable saying, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet or anything like that, but I'm writing a review on this book because I really want to talk about how this book made me feel.”
It's been really great to see other people who are bi get really into the book, and the fact that the book has bisexual in the title. Hearing a lot of people say: “I've never seen a book with ‘bisexual’ in the title.” “I've never heard [of a] main character who is so open about the fact that they're bisexual.” “Just the fact that a character is actually identifying as bisexual instead of [xyz].” A lot of times when bi people are portrayed in media, they're just portrayed as having relationships with people of all genders and not actually saying it. Ever.
Did you come across any obstacles or flack coming up with that as your title, trying to move that through the publishing industry?
AM: Yeah. It's funny because it kind of is part of that internalized biphobia that the biggest obstacle to the title was me. Because everybody, everybody loved the title.
I went through a few different titles before it was before we decided on this one. It was one of my colleagues who mentioned titles [...] “You have a bisexual character who is tackling internalized biphobia, and is self-proclaimed ‘super messy.’ So why don't you use this title?” Sales and marketing really loved it, my agent loved it, [and] my editor really liked it. And I was hesitant at first because I was like, “People aren't gonna buy it if they see it outright on the cover. People who are kids who are closeted might not wanna buy it because they don't wanna have that and have it seen... I don't wanna put it all out there.”
But then I had to ask myself, “Why do I feel adverse to this? Why don't I wanna say it if I'm talking about being bi and being really explicit about it, and exploring the ups and the downs and all of that? Why am I still grappling with this internalized biphobia of not wanting people to know or not wanting to put it right out there, even though this is very clearly a title that encompasses the entire book perfectly?” It’s a title that really just describes what the book is about.
And I had to be like, “Are you gonna put your money where your mouth is and actually do this out-and-proud thing? Or are you just gonna sit there and cower and cry?”
We like having multiple options, what are you talking about?
AM: [Laughs] Exactly. I'll cry while also being really proud. I'll cry tears of pride.
There you go.
AM: Yeah, so the title is pretty good.
There's been so much more love than there is hate [on the internet], which is great. People who just like, “Immediate head to my list because the title is so good.” People are really being gravitating towards it, and I really just enjoy how people are responding to it. And [then] there’s of course people who are just like, “Just from the title, this book is sick. I'm not even gonna read what it's about.” And I'm just like, “I don't want you to read it.”
Yeah. Haters to the left.
AM: Haters to the left. Yeah, exactly.
So tell me how you came up with a story for Just Your Local Bisexual Disaster.
AM: It’s not autobiographical. When you’re a writer who’s writing about the same community that you grew up in, people can equate that or equate your experience with the main characters and look for similarities. I know my friends and family back home were reading it, [and] they’re just like, “Oh, is this so-and-so, is this so-and-so?” And I have to be like, “No it is not. I deliberately stay away from that, ‘cause I know so many people pick it apart.
I was doing my first big-girl job. I was working in New York. I was grappling with the whole like, not being a kid. Where you're twenty-two and you're not a teenager anymore, but you're not quite an actual adult-adult. And you have debt and you have to pay taxes. And now nobody can make your doctor's appointments for you.
So I was kind of grappling with that and being like, “Oh, I wish I was a teen again. I wish I knew everything I know now about myself back then. I wish I had felt safe enough to feel okay exploring all of these issues I'm now having to grapple with in my twenties because I wasn't able to work through them as a teen, I didn't have a safe space.
So I just really wanted to write a book about a whiny, messy character who does have a lot of crushes on people and is just very confused about her feelings and what they actually mean. Because I think the universal messiness of trying to figure out what your relationship with your friends is is very important to being a teen in general. But I think it's even more complicated when you're a bisexual teen because you're just like, “Oh my God, is this intense feeling that I feel for my new friend - is this a crush or are we just friends or is it both? What's happening here?”
It can muddy the waters a little bit. You're unable to kind of like see yourself and separate those really intense feelings. Especially if you're in your teens and having your first really deep emotions and deep, emotional connections and everything feels like a bolt of lightning to the chest all the time.
‘Cause it is the first time.
AM: Mm-hmmm. And you're trying to like, make sure that all of your feelings are genuine and nice, but you don't even know what they are.
I think when it comes to straight characters in books, straight characters are allowed to make these mistakes. They're allowed to have really messy relationships and love triangles and everything's fine. When it’s brought up when it comes to being a queer kid, all of a sudden, queer kids aren't allowed to make mistakes because that reflects badly on the entire queer community.
Right. Forced to being a role model but not knowing how those feelings are. God, I remember that.
Also I just wish teens knew what alterous attractions were and were taught that term in school because that would help them a lot.
AM: Right? Yeah, exactly!
And I think when you are a teen navigating all of these like different relationships, you need room to grow. You need room to be able to make mistakes and stuff. And you also have to grapple with your own feelings of “Are all these stereotypes about me true? And if they are, what does that say about me?” Because there are all those stereotypes about bi people. Like, we can't decide, or we're all cheaters or whatever.
So I'm like, what if I write a bisexual character who really can't decide and is really in danger of wrecking some relationships? What if I just allow this character to be messy as all get-out? What would that be like? What would the fallout be? What would she learn from being able to be really messy and unchecked and not have it be anything about her sexuality? ‘Cause when you are someone who's bi, you can feel like you're messing up all the time when in the like spectrum of sexuality, it's like you don't really fit anywhere. And that is kind of scary.
And I love how as people are talking more about sexuality and gender, there is a lot more of that spectrum in that gray area. So I'd really love to see the evolution of bisexuality and how people have viewed it from like when I was growing up to now, and seeing how much has changed and how much more inclusive it is and how people feel, like, comfortable in their identities now. And I think it's played a lot into my work and the idea of growth and change and moving back and forth, being super included in your relationships.
I loved your playlist for your book. So queer, so delicious. How important is it for you to have the right music playing during your writing process? Or is this more like the insight to what you're what your protagonist would be listening to?
AM: I think it's kind of a mix of both.
I love to have music in all the books. In everything I write, it always features really heavily. Especially with kind of the ambiguity of being able to sing music when you're alone, you can change the pronouns, you can do whatever you want and nobody can tell you anything otherwise. There’s such a freedom in it. And I find that I fancy myself kind of a collector. I think my writing reflects the world as I see it, and that is most evident in the music that I listen to when I have a playlist when I am writing. ‘Cause most of it is songs that are relevant to the project for me that have inspired parts of it, or have just influenced it in a lot of ways. Whether that's lyrically or aesthetically or if it's the instrumental I hear in my head. Music is very much something that helps me establish the character of my mains, but also my side characters. I figure out what they're listening to, and what that sounds like.
And as I'm writing, I've been very lucky that as music comes out - and maybe this is just because I'm always thinking about my writing and so I'm always applying everything that I'm hearing or watching to what I'm writing - but it feels like every time I'm stuck, there's a new song that comes out, or a new music video that blows my mind or a new album that everyone's listening to. And I then I'm like, “Oh, this is perfect for like this scene. It feels like it was just like written just for me.” mm-hmm.
A lot writing can be a very solitary act. You just sit there and you hallucinate. And then, then you have words on your page. So it's good to have music to tie you to a moment when things feel too abstract/ You’re trying to create something that might concretely stand on its own with only the abstract concepts of words and pictures and images. So I think the more that you're able to create kind of a well rounded, corporeal existence, you make a better experience with your writing. And so that's what I oftentimes use the music for.
So it's very important to me. And it’s gaining an importance now, the more I write and the more things are going on
What kind of intersections of identity do you like to center in your own work? We've seen a couple throughout Just Your Local Bisexual Disaster, but are there others you would like to bring into new narratives? What would you like to see more of in the book market today?
AM: I think we're in a great time right now for YA publishing because there's so many different perspectives that are now being given importance to that weren’t in the past - people of different races, people of different ethnicities, all are writing books and publishing books.
I really like to explore the intersections of sexuality and particularly ethnicity and race, because I experienced it a lot differently, being Chicana and growing up in growing up on the border. I experienced my own journey to sexuality in a specific way. And so I really like to examine it along those lines. In the future, I want to write about the intersection of sexuality with mental illness and childhood trauma and things like that.
I wanna see in YA publishing more books from people with who are marginalized. I'm more than just one axis. I wanna see more people with disabilities, people of color with disabilities writing books, more books about trans non-binary people people of color, more books about aro and ace [people], more books from people of color. That's really what I want here.
It's been really great to see a lot of people feel empowered to tell their stories just from the influx of stories that are kind of kicking the doors open. So I'm very excited [about] the ways that publishing is changing and excited to see more. It's a long time coming.
Yeah, we’ve needed #ownvoices for or more than a minute on the scene for sure.
What was it like for you being an assistant editor? Did that experience help you in your process of fine-tuning your own manuscript?
AM: Yeah, that was interesting to see both sides of the desk a little bit.
I always kind of knew I wanted to write books. The only thing I could do without getting bored was reading and writing. I wasn't good at math, I wasn't good at science.
It was very complicated. I took a job in publishing because I was just like, I like books. I didn't think about how difficult it would be to be on both sides of the desk, because now I know how the sausage, so I can see both sides.
I think it makes it both equal parts easier and difficult; easier in terms of I know what to expect from an author, and as an editor I know what the process is like. So that makes it a little bit easier. It makes me a lot more keen to get back on deadlines. More keen to actually get stuff in to like my editor on time, because I know there's an assistant who's going to have to turn this around, and an assistant who's signing the checks. So I just wanna be good to that person.
I think it's given me a lot of tools to edit. I'm still obviously like learning, but I become a very technical editor because of my job mm-hmm. So I'm able to fine-tune that and take techniques I've learned from working in publishing and apply them to my books. It allows me to have a lot more structure.
Sometimes it can be hard when I am reading my own stuff back and I have to be more critical of myself, or more be like, “This paragraph doesn't work here.” But it's such a good paragraph.
It's harder to kill your darlings when you know the process.
AM: And the editor in me is just like, “Why can't you kill them? You know that you have to do this. Just hold the knife. I'll hold it for you.”
“But it's so pretty. Please let me keep this, just this one." “No, you can’t."
Yeah. And it was made even more complicated by the fact that I worked at MacMillan and it went to an editor [I knew in the kids’ section.] So I thought it would be fine because I was working on the adult side of publishing.
And then somehow in the process I started assisting on the children's side. So then I was getting all of the bursts about my book and all of the paperwork. I was on those chain emails and I'm just like, “Can everyone take me off, please?” And they were like, “Sorry.”
That's weird. It's kind of like being Tom Sawyer going to his own funeral and seeing what people are saying about you.
AM: [Laughs] Exactly, exactly. I hated it. My agent loved it, though.
It can make me a little reluctant to ask people for help because I was just like, “I know how busy you are over there.”
So I saw your TikTok about wanting to call Governor Abbott and Elon Musk vultures in every book interview you do. Do you care to do so now? The floor is yours.
Elon Musk, you’re an absolute vulture and we're going to eat you first. And Governor Abbot, I also hate you and you’re a vulture. Stay out of my area or we will secede.
Excellent. Well done. I sometimes con contemplate composting them cuz that's a little more friendly to the environment, but I think the threat of bodily harm … there is something that drives the need to change a little bit more with that when you could be fricasseed.
AM: I love a good stew. I love like asado. Some tacos would be great.
Moving on. I also saw through your TikTok that you're big into makeup. Are there any trends you're fascinated with right now?
AM: Ooh, there's so many.
I'm such a fan of the way everybody's doing very light makeup now. When I was first learning how to do makeup, it was all about the bronzer helmet and the Kim Kardashian crazy contour. Just all of that. Heavy glam and heavy, heavy foundation and everything. And I loved it back then because I was just barely learning how to do makeup. So I did everything wrong all the time. Learned how to do it from my my little sister actually, because she was the one who would watch all the videos and knew how to do everything. To this day, still does her makeup even better than that I do mine.
I think I'm really excited about all the egirl makeup looks. That just was really cute. Blush all the way up with white freckles.
And the way you vaguely kind of like look sick, you put the little red eye …
Oh, the rheumatic under-eye.
AM: Yeah. That's an interesting look. You kind of look like you have the flu, but also like in a good way. [Laughs] I really like nowadays the emphasis on skin and actually letting show your freckles and blemishes, your everything.
I'm a particular fan of the blush trends happening right now. I love how much everyone loves blush. I love blush. My problem is I cannot participate because I'm averse to redness now as somebody with acne rosacea. I was made fun of for being red for years and years and years. Now that I am older I put on the like base layer to cover up the initial, natural redness I have and then put blush back on. And I'm like, “Yeah, but this is peachy.”
Right. The strategic replacement.
AM: Yeah.
Winged liner is always gonna be in fashion. It is. My people made it. Yeah. I was just like, Chicana’s people made it.
What does a perfect writing day look like to you?
AM: Ooh. A perfect writing day is when I get two chapters done in a day. It's my favorite thing ever. Whenever I take time off work to do these things. But my favorite, perfect writing day is two chapters done in a day. I have my breakfast and then I get one chapter done in however long it takes, [then] I go and do my makeup. I come back and finish another chapter and then I end at five p.m. And then I'm like, whoo-hoo! [Laughs]
So that's a perfect day. It doesn't always happen like that, but obviously I never have time just to do that because I live in a late capitalist, so I have a nine-to-five job.
Is there anything I didn't cover here that you would like to talk about or address?
AM: Just that talking about queerness is a conversation that is constantly ever-evolving as we move through the world and as more issues get cropped up, and as intersectionality is more and more talked about. I love all the intersections of discourse all of these conversations have and the ways they inform each other mm-hmm. So I think [have] as many varied conversations as you can possibly have about gender and sexuality with people that are different from you and live different lives, very important.
So tell me a little bit about your next project. What is ROTFG?
AM: Well, I guess we'll have to find out, right?
Oh, love a good tease.
AM: I've been teasing this book for a while and trying to make it happen in every single interview. Like when they ask about it, the contracts and stuff were like being signed, and going back and forth in acquisitions.
It is a bit of a turn from JYLBD YA contemporary, and ROTFG is a murder mystery. It's going to be like the Fear Street movies on Netflix meets the 2018 Halloween, meets meets One of Us Is Lying meets Lou.
I always say that like JYLBD is healing my inner child, the person that wants to spin around in a ball gown with somebody she thinks is pretty cute and have sparkles and tulle-like dresses in everything and be really cute and fun, and have everything light and sweet. But book two is going to be my inner teen is taking the mic, she’s very angry and she is out for blood. So it's going to be a lot of focus on trauma.
I really don't know how much I can actually say. Murder mystery, a lot of blood set in a like Texas Chainsaw Massacre-style area because I used to love all of that. I'm from Texas, so like that whole huge area of land that is just nothing right in South Texas, -all of that used to be so terrifying to drive through. But now I have set a book there.
So it's about the villainization of trauma victims and angry girls who actually show their anger are crazy. Basically I gave my teen a bat and a can of gasoline and I'm letting her go to town. I wish I could say more, but you can continue to listen to the playlist on Spotify; [it] gives you an idea of how angry and bloodthirsty my protagonist is going to be. There's going to be blood, there's going to be funhouses, there's going to be stabby knives. There is going to be flirting, girlfriends, flirting over more bodies, girls of color in STEM. Messy bi main character, naturally.
Any advice for up-and-coming queer novelists, young adult or otherwise?
AM: Don’t let rejections stop you.
Don’t let book bans stop you. I know a lot of people might feel a lot of trepidation right now about writing about queer characters because you're wondering if books will be able to make it into libraries, are they gonna be able to get into the hands of people who need them? And they can't do that if there is no book for someone to ban. Because when books are banned, kids will find things that they want to find people. There's the internet. Kids will read the books they want to read. As long as there are stories still to be told, there will be readers who want to read them. So your book will be one more book into the hands of somebody who really needs it. And don't let anyone telling you otherwise stop you.
I got a lot of rejections from agents and editors alike before it actually happened and before anyone actually believed in the vision of the book. So I think as long as what you write is true to you and honest, somebody will also think it's honest and great and will want to read it.
So keep writing. Don’t let homophobic people Stop you. Drink water.
Finally: Do you have any advice for those who are newly identifying as bi, and/or any advice you wish you could give the younger version of yourself before you came out?
AM: Don’t let what you've always believed about bisexuality stop you. If you've ever believed there limits based on gender or how much you can or should love one person over the other, don't close yourself off to any possibilities. I think sexuality is really important, and I love bisexuality is a way that a lot of people can find what they like without having to constantly be changing like labels or anything like that. I think it's a good way. Bisexuality is a good way to find out who you are.
Don't let the negative stereotypes that you've heard about bisexuality stop you. And use it as a chance to navigate your sexuality to really open yourself up to what you like and what you want to be and like who you are. Allow yourself to feel everything that you possibly can, and not try not to shame yourself for what you think you should be feeling.
But what would I say to my younger self when I came out or before I came out? I would've laughed at her because she spent every single night being like, "Please don't let me be a lesbian.” I wasn't a lesbian.
I think I would say to myself that I love very deeply, and anyone who tries to limit how I love - even myself - is wrong. And so just to be comfortable and ease into everything, and don't flinch away from things I don't understand.
It's kind of like when you get into a jacuzzi, you're like, “This is really hot and I don't like it in here.” And I'm like, “Don't move. Just stay in the jacuzzi. Let yourself adjust.” It's gonna be really, really scary, and you're not gonna have any guidebooks for how to do relationships ever. Because the only thing we had growing up was examples of cishet couples around us, and there were no blueprints for loving the way that we love. Allow yourself to see that as a good thing
It's like you're lost and confused, but it's also like freeing because there’s no blueprint for you, so you don't have to succumb to one. Make your own blueprint.
*** This interview has been truncated and edited for brevity and clarity.
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