Ask A Bi Dad: Is it wrong to feel uncomfortable showing affection in a same-sex relationship?

Hi Lewis,

I recently found Bi.org, and I just love it. I wish I had encountered this kind of content when I was a teenager. It’d have made my journey so much easier.

I came out as bisexual to my ex-girlfriend five years ago and to my family two years ago. Since I did the latter, I started a relationship with my current boyfriend and the second guy I've ever dated. My family accepts him; he can even stay here for a few days, and I am pretty satisfied with our relationship!

However, showing affection for him in public (let's say, a bar, disco, mall, etc.) is such a big problem for me. He is gay, and working on this for longer than me, so he likes holding my hand, dancing closely, and giving me kisses. I like that but also feel sooo observed by others, which makes me feel he puts some pressure on me, which in fact, he doesn't. And to be honest, sometimes I hate the idea of others seeing me as a gay person, despite it wouldn't make any difference since I am not looking for another relationship or similar.

I hate the fact that people do not consider the idea of bisexuality as an option. Again, this wouldn't affect me in any way now, but I can't prevent the thoughts and associated feelings from coming.

In my previous relationship, I had the same issue with my ex-girlfriend. I am not big on public love demonstrations, but I do feel that it's worse with my current partner, so I thought it'd be nice to get some comment from someone who may have dealt with similar feelings in the past, assuming this is about me being a bisexual guy not too used to a relationship with guys yet.

Thanks for your answer,

Shy in Shelby, North Carolina

Hi Shy in Shelby,

Thanks for your letter.

Being seen in a relationship can be tricky for bi people. If we hold hands with a same-sex partner, we are seen as gay, if we hold hands with an opposite-sex partner, we are seen as straight. It can feel like having a partner forces us into the closet and adds an extra obstacle to being visible as bi people.

One of the things we don’t talk about enough as bi people is our maturity in certain situations. In your situation, despite your age, this is really one of the first times that you’ve been in a “gay-facing relationship”, you’re not as experienced in this area as many gay men and even some bi men are.

Bi people tend to put pressure on themselves that they have to match the level of experience/maturity of others, but it’s simply not realistic. You are where you are in your development, and you have to make peace with it. I hear from people who have the opposite problem, older bi people who have only ever dated same-sex partners and now they are in an opposite-sex relationship. They feel observed, they worry people think they’re lying, that they’re the subject of gossip.

In your current situation, being visible in a same-sex relationship may be new to you. It's natural to feel scared or apprehensive about being seen in a gay relationship, and there's no shame in acknowledging those feelings, especially when it's a new experience for you. You don’t know how others are going to act, and there is an increased likelihood of discrimination and physical attack. If that’s not something you’re used to after years of dating a woman, then it is only natural to approach it with caution.

Displaying affection in public is really down to the individual, you shouldn’t feel pressured either way. The best thing to do is have an honest conversation with your partner and see if you can work on a compromise where you are both happy with how your love is displayed in public.

Good luck,

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.