Hi Lewis,
I’ll keep this one short and sweet.
I’ve been wondering if it’s worth coming out to my family. I see how they react whenever they see anything LGBT-related on TV, and it makes me question whether it’s even worth the effort.
If I decide to stay quiet, though, am I being true to myself, or is that just another way of lying to who I am?
Kiera
Hi Kiera,
Thanks so much for reaching out. Deciding whether to come out to your family is never an easy decision, and I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is — only you can make that call. For some people, coming out to their family can be a beautiful moment, while for others, it can be downright dangerous. You know your family best, so you’re the only one who can decide on the right course of action for you.
I will say that there is a tendency for bi people, in particular, to delay the coming-out process — and I’m certainly guilty of this myself. I remember thinking, “What’s the point of coming out? If I end up with a woman anyway, maybe I should wait and see who I end up with and then decide whether to come out.” But the problem is, if you do end up in a same-sex relationship, it puts a lot of pressure on your partner, as it might feel like you’re only coming out for them. Your family could direct their anger at your partner, but more importantly, it means you fundamentally believe your family won’t accept the real you — and that’s the underlying issue with feeling there’s something you can’t tell them.
One reassuring thing I can say about families that seem prejudiced is that when it comes to love for family, that can sometimes outweigh their views on the world. For most people, family is everything. They may have said some unkind things about LGBT people in the past, but once they know someone in their family is part of the community, their protective nature often kicks in in a way they never expected. Suddenly, they worry about you running into people who share their previous views. Before you know it, they’re fighting your corner. It can be amazing to see how your family can change for the better. While this doesn’t happen for everyone, there are definitely plenty of stories where families have apologised to their children for raising them in a homophobic way and for making them feel they couldn’t be honest.
What you really need to ask yourself is: what does coming out to your family mean to you? If you don’t come out to them, will you feel unaccepted? Will it create a disconnect or even resentment? Deep down, do you want to be accepted by them? Do you want to hear them say it’s okay and that they support you? Or, on the other hand, are you fine with your sexuality, but just don’t feel the need for their support and acceptance? Is the pressure to be open about your sexuality coming from society rather than your own desires? If that’s the case, maybe it’s not worth going through all the drama just for something you’re not that passionate about.
Ultimately, regardless of sexuality, keeping a secret can be exhausting. Constantly having to catch yourself in sentences to avoid drawing suspicion is tiring. Pretending you were somewhere you weren’t — or not being able to talk about your life freely — can wear thin over time. That’s why, for most people, coming out is the easier option. But again, that’s not a reality for everyone.
If you do decide to stay closeted, make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons — that it’s not a matter of fear or avoidance, but because it truly doesn’t feel like an issue for you. Whatever you decide, good luck, and please keep me updated!
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.