When I came out, it was both freeing and isolating, as I had few bi role models and no visible bi community to speak of. I’d be lying if I said the lack of these resources combined with dismissive attitudes from my LGBT peers didn’t send me into a crisis of identity, but ultimately, I came out the other end a stronger, more confident bi man. However, it’s not an experience I’d recommend going through if it can be avoided — and I believe it can be.
As a writer, activist, and advocate, I’ve had every aspect of my bi life poked and prodded for flaws, and while there is no “right” way to be bi, this process has given me insights on how and why some bi people have a hard time being the freest version of themselves. I hope that by sharing what I’ve learned about myself these past nine years, others may have an easier time traversing the bi road than I did.
Don’t let doubt from others make you doubt yourself.
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned is that nobody knows me better than I know myself. I used to spend hours stressing about the opinions of those who consider bisexuality a “phase” and would brainstorm ways to convince them my identity as a bi man is valid. Without the visibility and resources that seem more accessible to some identities within the LGBT community, their dismissal would cause me anxiety, depression, and even bouts of imposter syndrome. Luckily, I eventually learned that while everyone has an opinion, it doesn’t mean it’s based on fact. I’m the one who spent years figuring out who I am, and I’ll be damned if I allow the uninformed stances of bigots steal the joy I’ve found by embracing my identity. I know who I am, and that remains true even if others don’t give me their seal of approval.
You don’t owe anyone an explanation or proof to validate your bi identity.
As someone who generally tends to be data-centric, I would often tout universal and personal statistics to help validate my bi identity to those who questioned it. Queries like, “What’s your percentage?” and “How many people have you slept with?” are but a small sampling of the information others thought they were entitled to because I have the audacity to identify as something outside the binary. If I withheld the information due to discomfort, irritation, or any other plausible reason, I’d be called a phony — or worse. If you’re comfortable sharing this info, that is 100% your prerogative. Just know that you have the power to dictate when, where, and how you share this information with others, and you are no less bi if you decide to keep it to yourself.
There will always be those who don’t believe you – don’t waste your time and energy on them.
This was a hard one for me to swallow, but once I accepted this lesson, I was able to dedicate my time and energy to more fruitful advocacy endeavors. The sad fact is there will always be those out there who, for whatever reason, will never accept or understand bisexuality. If you have the bandwidth to fight that endless battle, I’d say go for it. If not, learn how to recognize when discussions aren’t progressing, information is being ignored, and they seem more interested in the fight than coming to an understanding. You can only do so much to lead people to the truth, and if it’s apparent they have no interest in accepting it, I’d recommend moving on. It might seem counter-productive, but I’ve found more success moving the needle in the right direction by keeping these kinds of interactions to a minimum.
Appreciate what you receive but ask for what you deserve.
There have been multiple times where I’ve been told I’m pushing too hard or asking for too much as a bi man. What right do I have to correct people who spread misinformation about bisexuality – shouldn’t I just be grateful they let me exist? For several years, I accepted scraps of support. But you can’t survive on scraps. There is nothing wrong with asking or fighting for fair and equal treatment, and doing either does not make me ungrateful. I appreciate everything this world has given me, but until my community is free from attack, ridicule, and dismissal, I will push tirelessly onward until we have reached the levels of respect, compassion, and representation we deserve.
Don’t ever stop exploring your sexuality or identity — or be scared if they’re constantly evolving.
When I initially came out as bi, I was told time and time again that I’d end up firmly planted at one end of the spectrum of sexual orientation. But in the years since coming out, I have not found myself polarizing in the slightest; in fact, I’ve become more aware that I don’t — and never will — fit snugly into either one of those identities. My identity does not sit on a fixed point but is constantly sliding along this spectrum. By permitting myself to explore my feelings, desires, and needs, my life has become infinitely more interesting, satisfying, and fun.
Remember, there is no right way to be bi — it just has to feel right to you.