My Bi Awakening

Of course! I’m bi and always have been!

Something that I’ve heard many times from various people when they come to accept and embrace their bisexuality, is the feeling of joy and fullness at the moment of realization and revelation of their sexual orientation that has always been there but hadn’t been attended to, much less accepted and enjoyed.

In my case, it was a particular night in March 2020. A year before this, my family and I were living in Mexico City but had decided to move to our hometown in Morelia Michoacan for some quality time together with family before embarking on a new project that would relocate us outside of the country. 

Of course, while we were in Morelia, the COVID-19 pandemic hit. The company that would have carried out our immigration procedures notified us that there was nothing that could be done and to try again (possibly) next year. All our plans froze.

Apart from the setbacks and frustrations caused by the pandemic, this time allowed me to explore myself in a more meaningful way. It allowed me to explore my feelings, my wishes, and ideas. Meditation became a habit for me and I participated in several personal and spiritual growth events.

In one of these meditation sessions, in the silence of the night, while concentrating on existential reflection, a warm, overwhelming, profound, and wonderful revelation suddenly came to me: of course, I'm bi!

Immediately a sense of peace, understanding, and self-love ran through my whole body and mind. I felt understood, strengthened, determined, and joyful. At the same time, while forgotten memories revealed themselves as if they were parts of a film, memories of when I denied this reality were also present and passed through my mind.

Memories of my time in elementary school were suddenly present. This was a time when I was quick to fall in love and I remembered all the girls whom I had feelings for. Some of them became true and beautiful friendships and others were failed attempts that led to a tender, broken heart. Many others lived in silence, preventing the illusion from ending. But, what about my crushes on boys?

Of course! That boy who joined our class in the 3rd grade and who immediately became my best friend; whose friendship was exciting, vibrant, warm, and incredible. He was handsome, popular, sympathetic, great in class and in all sports, and he was my best friend and I was his.

Now I can see, with a certain tenderness, my misunderstood infatuation. And like him, other boys made me feel “things” that I couldn’t explain, let alone accept because of my heteronormative and mostly religious education, in a conservative city in the 90s.

I also remembered how uncomfortable I was at the fact that a member of the Spanish children’s band Parchis drew my attention. His name was Frank Díaz, a kid with flashy red hair, and delicate features and whom I would call — in my ignorance — “the boy-girl from Parchis”. I also remembered that at the end of the 90s came that teenage pop hit with its respective video on MTV, “MMMBop” from Hanson's Middle of Nowhere (1997). “What!? No, this can't be possible!! That singer is so pretty!!” (Taylor Hanson), and I thought to myself with some regret: “I wish he was a girl”. 

Well of course! I wished he was a girl so that I wouldn't feel uncomfortable or feel guilty for being attracted to a boy.

In those moments of revelation, when that film that was playing in my head, I remembered that during several stages of my life (particularly when I was single, after breaking up with a girl) I would notice that a male actor, singer someone from “real life” would draw my attention. I found myself wondering: Am I gay? Am I gay and that’s why I broke up with that girl?

Then I would meet some girl, fall in love with her and those doubts would be pushed away as I was genuinely romantically and sexually attracted to a woman again.

As more memories slowly came to me, a vision emerged that seemed to come from the security vault of a bank. As if it was from an insurmountable place. As if it was from the most secret drawer of my memory cabinet. It again caught me by complete surprise. 

It was that time when I was 12 and had drama classes. One day a classmate suggested we skipped class and instead “explore” the very large facilities of the sports club we were at. It was an adventure to discover unknown places, deserted and quiet corners, which were the perfect setting for a sexual awakening. Those corners allowed for kissing sessions, touches, warm sensations, and tons of excitement.

After a long time of emotional ecstasy a very big question came to my mind: And now what am I going to do with this information? How am I going to tell my wife? Should I tell her? What would I do if she rejects me because of it? What will our families say about it?

I’m very excited to share how this story developed with all of you, and I will. All in due time!