Ask A Bi Dad: Is my bisexuality changing?

By Lewis Oakley

March 01, 2022



Photo credit: Pexels/Andres Ayrton

Hi Lewis,

I’m in a relationship with a woman and I feel like my body is changing in how it responds. I’ve only ever been in straight relationships but now my body seems uncomfortable in a straight relationship.

This isn’t me coming out as gay. As I get older I feel like my fluidity is running in different directions. Like I might be too gay for a straight relationship but at the same time too straight for a gay relationship.

I feel mentally and physically exhausted.

Have you ever felt this way?


A young latin couple has an intimate moment holding onto eachother in the outdoors.
Pexels Hugo Martinez

Hi Oliver,

Great question, thank you for reaching out.

As with most things bi, this seems like a complicated issue to unpack.

Our attractions do change over time, but I feel what people don’t talk about enough is that our understanding of our attractions also changes over time. Feelings that once confused us or that we thought meant something different suddenly take on new meanings as we grow.

Usually, this is for the better but in your case, it seems the more you listen to your body the more your confusion is growing. I’m afraid I can’t interpret the way you’re feeling for you, but I can remind you of what it’s like to be bi.

Sometimes as a bisexual, we do have to live in the grey. Having attractions that change often, that sometimes is hard to keep up with. As a bisexual, I’ve learned to sometimes embrace the way you’re feeling but not read too far into it. Just because your attractions are pulling you a certain way for a while doesn’t mean you have to reassess your entire identity.

There is a line that has to be developed where you have the strength to be in control of your attractions, not have your actions control you.

It’s also sometimes helpful to consider what it might be like in the shoes of a gay or straight person. Whilst I’m not making any assumptions about your relationship, if a gay man felt his body was not responding to his partner in the same way, would he feel his sexuality was shifting, or rather that his attraction to his partner was shifting?

Again, I don’t know you, or your relationship but I do know that bi people have a tendency to overthink and blame their sexuality for things that other sexualities wouldn’t. If your relationship is not working for you, it is important to separate that from your sexuality.

On the topic of overthinking, I also wouldn’t think of yourself as being in a gay or a straight relationship. If you’re in it, then it’s a queer relationship. It’s actually really normal for a bisexual to feel Inadequacy in a relationship, as though they can’t be taken seriously in a "gay" or "straight relationship."

It’s really important to remember that your relationship is valid and you don’t have to play a gay or straight role.

I wish you all the luck in navigating this issue, it’s a really tricky one but I’m sure you will figure it out. As you know, I’m just a bisexual, so do reach out to other experts and professionals that might be able to support you. 


Lewis Oakley standing confidently and smiling against a brick building.

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.