Ask A Bi Dad: I'm struggling to find a woman to date

By Lewis Oakley

June 22, 2022



Photo credit: Pexels/RODNAE Productions

Hi Lewis,

I came out as bi two years ago, and in that time, I’ve only met one girl who was interested in me. Since that fizzled out, there really haven’t been any women that have shown an interest. Men, I only have to open my dating apps. But women? Just nothing. I’m proud and open, and mention my bisexuality on all my dating apps. I’m starting to worry this puts women off. I can’t help but think that in coming out as bi, I’ve inadvertently become gay because most women won’t date bi guys.


A young asian man and woman stand facing eachother. They are holding onto a hand and smiling.

Hi Jake,

Thanks for the question. It’s no secret that many straight women won’t consider dating bi guys. It’s a problem and one of the issues I’m passionate about addressing. That, however, will take some time and doesn’t help you today.

First and foremost, good for you for being out! And putting it on your dating apps as a non-negotiable is a bold move. I’m sure many bi guys wish they were comfortable with doing that.

I’m afraid I’ve been out of the dating game for over half a decade so I’m not sure what apps exist or what parameters you can set these days. My first thought would be, is there an app or a setting where you can connect with bi women? Maybe you might find more luck that way?

I’d also suggest if you’re confident enough, could you start looking to meet people in person? I’ve found that lots of women are uncomfortable or put off by the "idea" of a bi guy. So reading about it on the profile might put some women off. However, actually meeting in person and bonding as human beings and then finding out you are bi might be an approach to consider, especially if you’re meeting at Pride or LGBT events in your area. There might even be some bi-specific events if you’re lucky.

I know how disheartening it can feel to conclude that your sexuality is the thing putting potential love interests off, but stay strong. The most important thing is that you want to be with someone who accepts you for you. If someone is going to be put off by your bisexuality — trust me, you can do better. You deserve a partner who celebrates everything about you, including your bisexuality.

I’m just one of many, many, many bi men that have been able to find a woman that was not only interested in dating a bi guy but also built a life with me. There are many women out there who are open to dating bi men.

Keep pressing on, you’ll find them eventually.


Lewis Oakley standing confidently and smiling against a brick building.

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.