Ask A Bi Dad: I feel really disconnected from bi culture

By Lewis Oakley

October 07, 2022



Photo credit: Pexels/RODNAE Productions

Hi Lewis,

I feel really disconnected from bi culture and queer culture in general even though I live in a city where you can live openly. 

I feel like I’m faking it most of the time even though my search history will tell a different story. I haven’t had any experiences with anyone of the same gender and I don’t feel the same connection to this part of myself as compared to my ethnic identity.

It’s more like it’s something that I do or would like to do rather than who I actually am if that makes sense. Got any advice?


Bigstock/Vitaly Gariev

Hi Roy,

Thanks for the question.

One thing I would say is that bisexuality isn’t always about actions, it’s about feelings. Your attractions are yours, you feel them and they are real, regardless of if you’re kissing all the boys at the party.

I do see this struggle with many bi people. The idea that you aren’t bi enough to really qualify as bi. As best I can figure, this is just biphobia or bi ignorance that’s blown over from how the wider society sees us. It’s the idea that you need to be performing bisexuality so that other people can feel assured that you aren’t lying about your sexuality. It’s an odd concept and we shouldn’t give it the time of day.

That said, I completely understand your feeling of it being something you want to do (a same-sex experience) but haven’t been able to yet. So whilst you shouldn’t have to perform bisexuality or feel that you have to be acting on your feelings to be bi, if you feel that same-sex experience is missing, then absolutely seek it out!

I’d probably need to know you better to understand what barriers have kept you from exploring this so far. All I can do is let you know there are probably many people out there that would love to have a same-sex experience with you, you just need to talk to them. Bars, apps, speed dating, there are many avenues that exist to find people these days.

I’d never encourage you to rush your first same-sex experience but after reading your letter back it seems like you’re more than ready to take that step. But, maybe start small, just a little kiss on the dance floor for now, see how you feel.

My parting message is to please not feel that you have to qualify or prove your bisexuality, even to yourself. Go at your own pace, run your own race and remember you decide how bi you are.

Keep me updated with how it’s going.


Lewis Oakley standing confidently and smiling against a brick building.

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.