Bis Don't Belong in a Box

Being bi comes with a whole lot of stereotypes. For instance, many people assume that we are all hypersexual or compulsively promiscuous; that we love threesomes, are fearful of commitment, unfaithful in relationships, and polyamorous. Though some of these may be true of certain bi individuals, they are common misconceptions that stigmatize our community and don’t apply to everyone. Being bisexual is different for each and every one of us! Humans are complex and nuanced creatures. Sexual orientation is often conflated with the many other ways we relate to the world, but we all have different types of attractions and personal preferences.

For instance, I’ve used several dating apps in the past, and have always listed my sexual orientation as “pansexual/bisexual”. Like many of my bi friends, I’ve gotten a ton of requests to hook up or messages from couples looking to have threesomes. This is very common for those of us who are attracted to both sexes — it’s why we’re called “unicorns”, after all. Though many bi folks may enjoy casual hookups or engaging in threesomes, that’s not the case for all of us.

I’ve had a lot of bad luck trying to find relationships through dating apps, because I’m also demisexual and sapiosexual, meaning that I cannot develop a sexual attraction to someone without a deep emotional connection first, and that having an intellectual connection also helps me develop a sexual attraction. So I’m usually flattered when people proposition me to have a threesome with their significant other, but it’s really not my thing! Many of my bi friends report similar experiences with dating apps.

It’s important to realize that there are multiple forms of attraction, not just sexual, but also romantic and platonic. So bis can experience all of these on different levels and in different ways, just like anybody else can. Many straight people assume that being bi automatically makes us attracted to everyone. This is preposterous! Do they find every member of the opposite sex attractive? Are they looking for sex all day, every day? (Well, maybe some people are.) The answer is largely no!

A barrier that many people in the bi community face is rejection for being bi. Often, when potential partners find out we’re attracted to both men and women, they believe that we will not commit to them, cheat on them, or only desire an open relationship. A person will cheat regardless of what sexual orientation they have. That’s a personal choice they make. We see this all time in heterosexual relationships. But for some reason, the fear and ignorance is largely applied to bi people.

There are bi people (and monosexuals) who enjoy a polyamorous lifestyle. But the poly community is all about solid communication, respect, and establishing boundaries. Being unfaithful or lying to a significant other is not a part of that.

And then there are those of us who are painfully monogamous! Trust me, if I could choose to be poly, I totally would — having multiple partners of either sex, each one fulfilling a different need, yes please, sign me up! — but that’s just not my preference. I’m a one-partner type of girl. If I’m in a committed relationship, I only want to focus my energies on one person and have them reciprocated by that one person. And there are many bi people that feel the same way and are in healthy, happy monogamous relationships.

There are also the many folks who think that being bi is a placeholder for actually being straight or gay, or it’s just a “phase” for curiosity and experimentation, and that we’re really just “confused”. This is not the case, because most of us are secure in the fact that we’re attracted to women and men, regardless whether we may have just found out recently or known it all our lives.

A friend once told me that she would never date a bi man. When I asked why, she told me she’d be too scared that he would cheat. I informed her that this is a myth. She then went on to tell me that she “didn’t want to get AIDS”. I gasped in shock and horror at her statement. I had to explain to her that those of us in the LGBT community practice safe sex more than any other group, and that these were biphobic stereotypes. Debunking these myths is the first step in helping create acceptance and understanding for bi people and other queer folks alike.

Bi people belong, just like everyone else. Where we don’t belong is being forced into a box! (Unless it’s like a fun, kinky box. Some of us may be into that. It depends, you have to ask!)

The beauty in being bisexual is that we are all unique and versatile. And that is worthy of celebration.