Ask A Bi Dad: Should I take a risk on a closeted bi man?

Lewis, 

I have a question that I haven't really seen covered, and I can't be the only bi person dealing with this. I’m single, but a lot of bi guys I’ve met are married. There is one guy in particular I’ve been corresponding with online, and it appears we have significant common interests. We’ll probably meet up at some point soon.

I know he's married, and I know he wants to remain married. I don’t believe he has discussed his bisexuality with his wife. So my question is, how can I be supportive and provide him with the intimacy and companionship that I'm certain he's seeking, without enabling him to cross a line with his wife? Ideally, of course, he would just tell his wife he's bi, and have them come to some acceptable agreement on boundaries. But we all know that's a very risky approach.

I really hate this either/or situation we're put into.

Phil

Hi Phil,

I think in these situations it’s important to take the bi element out of the equation.

Let's pretend this is a gay man, married to a man, who is looking to meet up and his husband doesn’t know about it. It’s cheating and you're the other man. Bisexuality isn’t an excuse.

I know there are bi men that have the odd thing on the side with men behind their wives' backs but this is not ideal. I’d also ask what it is that you are looking for out of this?

If it’s casual sex, then there are probably less conflicted ways to find a hookup. If it’s a genuine connection you share and both feel an urge to explore, then perhaps the best thing to do is to go for coffee, or meet at some public place where you can talk. If it is something you both want to take further, then it’s probably best to encourage him to talk to his wife.

If not, it’s worth asking again: what are you getting out of this? You’re not going to be able to have a meaningful relationship with this person if you’re his dirty little secret. What’s more, if he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you — so you can’t ever trust him.

I hate to be a downer on this one, but I think you should give some thought to what you want, who you want to be, and what kind of person you want to be with.

We’ve all been there. The forbidden fruit is appealing. Sneaking around can make you feel like a teen again, but if I were you, I’d try to find someone else. There is no need to get involved in something so complicated.

Wishing you all the best, and if you do want to go for it then you go for it.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.