Ask A Bi Dad: Is it wrong to still watch gay porn?

Hi Lewis,

I have a question. I’m in a relationship with a woman but every time I watch porn, it’s gay porn — never straight porn. It’s starting to make me feel like the biphobes are right — I’ll never be happy with just one. It also feels in a weird way that I’m cheating on my partner as I’d be worried if she found out. Is my gay porn habit wrong?

James

Hi James,

Firstly, the biphobes are never right! But I completely empathise, it’s so hard when people put negative ideas in your head. Even when you think you’ve overcome those negative thoughts, you still find them nagging in your mind when you’re unsure of yourself.

Your use of gay porn doesn’t prove anything that we don’t already know. Which is that you’re attracted to more than one gender. I think for people who really had to take time to explore their sexuality we sometimes have a capacity to overthink.

Fear not, I’ve met many bi people that use porn as a healthy component in their sexual expression. Interestingly, ​​xHamster found that users who visit adult sites several times a day are more than twice as likely to identify as bi as those who visit only once a week. So it could be argued a high porn use is a part of the bi experience for some bi people.

The truth is, your partner is not going to be able to satisfy every sexual need you have. No one's partner does. Straight guys love porn, and I guarantee most of them aren’t overthinking it. Fantasies are fantasies, most don’t come true — and sometimes that can be a good thing. As someone that has had the option to bring a few sexual fantasies to life — let me tell you, the reality isn’t always like you’d imagined it would be.

That said, if there is something missing in your sex life, that goes beyond an itch PornHub can scratch — talk to your partner. See what works for the two of you and what you would be comfortable with.

My golden rule is if the sex you are having with your partner is amazing — you have nothing to worry about.

To your point on being embarrassed if your partner discovered your porn habit — I think most people would be. Make sure you use the incognito tab.

Good luck!

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.