Ask A Bi Dad: Is it too soon to settle down?

Hi Lewis,

I’m 22 years old and bisexual and have recently met a girl I really like and it’s starting to get serious, I actually think she could be "the one". The issue is, despite knowing that I’m bi and being open about it, I actually haven’t had "full" sex with a man before. Basically, I’ve always been in relationships with women with a very short time being single in between, so it’s just never happened.

I wonder if you think I should have sex with a man, at least once before settling down? I worry that it might be something I look back on and regret if I don’t.

Thanks,

Sebastian

Hi Sebastian,

Thanks for the question.

I’m afraid this is one of those questions where I really can’t tell you what to do, the decision really is one you’ll have to figure out. I’d also say there probably isn’t a right or wrong answer to the question.

I can tell you that a lot of bi people in relationships that reach out to me in your position, do spend time wondering what it would be like to be with a guy/girl at least once. I do think that’s just the human condition though, we’re programmed to think about the path we didn’t take.

Whilst I don’t know you, reading between the lines of your email, it seems like you are big on relationships and being emotionally invested. That doesn’t lead itself well to a casual sexual encounter to just tick a box. Maybe the reason you have not had this experience with a man so far is that you haven’t found a man with who you had that emotional and physical connection with.

I do see the logic of wanting to have sex with a guy; to have the experience and not spend your life wondering what if?

Whether you decide to go for it or not, I would just say that a first sexual experience of any kind is likely to not be how you imagined it. You will in effect be "losing your virginity with a man". As a rule, I’d say you need more than one sexual experience to get comfortable, so it might not be just the one experience to make you feel satisfied.

The one thing I have learned is that you can’t go into bisexuality with a game plan. You may think this girl is the one, but she might not be. Anything is possible — you could still end up with a man. If you feel the right thing to do is to have a rushed sexual experience with a man before it’s too late, that’s your call. Maybe talk to this woman about it. Whilst you both might be interested in monogamy, would you be allowed a hall pass just once to have that experience if you meet the right person?

You don’t know if you don’t ask.

Good luck with it.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.