Ask A Bi Dad: How do I tell my husband I want to be with a woman again?

Hi Lewis,

I am a married 45-year-old bi woman. I experimented with having sex with a woman once, when my husband and I were separated. Lately, all I have thought about is wanting to be with a woman again, but I don't want to cheat on my husband or leave him either. How do I approach this with him? He knows I was with a woman when we were separated. Please help... I feel so stuck!

Suddenly Seeking Susan

Hi Suddenly Seeking Susan,

Thanks for reaching out. First, let’s start with the positives. It’s great that you have a loving husband who is aware (and I assume comfortable) with your bisexuality. It’s also great that you don’t want to leave the relationship and don’t want to cheat. Being accepted for your sexuality is one thing — wanting to have extramarital sex is quite another, and it’s important not to confuse the two.

Clearly, moving forward in this situation will mean having an honest conversation, but this can be hard to broach. You know best how to approach difficult conversations with your husband, so be sure to give this the time and care needed to find the right angle. It’s also important to empathize with his perspective. How would you feel if he came to you and wanted to have sex with a man? What would you say? What would you want to know? What would it change?

One of the most important things about approaching an open relationship is having some prepared answers for some likely questions. It’s good to have an idea of what it would look like. Will it be a one time thing? Will he be invited to join in? Does he get to have a lover? Establishing boundaries, expectations, and ground rules is well worth doing in advance.

I also think it’s important to consider whether this is something you truly want before having this conversation. Both bi and non-bi people have urges to sleep with people outside of their relationship. It’s totally normal. Sometimes I think bi people tend to overthink things. The reality is that sexual fantasies rarely live up to expectations. If you do have sex with another woman, you have to be aware that it might not be the amazing experience you thought it would be. As with anything you’ve been romanticising in your head, actually attaining it can often feel anticlimactic. That might not be the case for you, but it’s something to consider.

My final thought on this is just to approach it with caution. What if he says no? Will you be okay with that? Will it change the dynamic, with him feeling you aren’t satisfied and knowing he’s holding you back from a pleasure you want? I wish you all the luck in this situation, it’s not an easy one.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, email at [email protected]

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.