Since coming out a little over four years ago, there has been one simple comment that I’ve heard time and time again that makes me incredibly satisfied with my decision to leave the closet in the past, and that is, “You’ve changed.”
Often, this message is accompanied by a positive observation like “We can’t believe how happy you are!” or “You seem so much more comfortable and confident in yourself these days!” Comments like this only help to reaffirm that my choice to come out all those years ago was the right one. However, depending on your perspective, changes like the one I went through might not always be viewed as good.
From my perspective, I agree 100% that I have changed since I came out. However, in my opinion, most, if not all, of the changes that came to be as a result of this moment have ultimately been positive. I am happier than I’ve ever been. I feel confident and comfortable in my own skin, more so than any time I can previously remember. I’m surrounded by a great group of family and friends who not only support me but encourage me to do more, to advocate, and fight for others who might not be lucky enough to find themselves in the secure and stable situation that I do.
I am vocal, loud, and proud to be a bi man and a member of the LGBTI community as a whole, and I am not afraid to show it. Unfortunately, taking ownership of my bi-dentity in such a passionate way is not a journey that everyone has enjoyed taking with me. From their perspective — some samples of which can be seen below — my transformation falls on the negative side of the spectrum of change.
“We get it; you’re bi! Next topic.”
“Could you just give it a rest? We’re not going to solve any problems today (or probably ever), especially when it comes to bisexuality, so why bother discussing them?”
“Do you ever think about toning it down? Because the relentless LGBTI propaganda is getting a little obnoxious!”
“No one cares.”
“Bisexuality isn’t real; at the most, it is a phase.”
To be fair, I understand some (definitely not all) of these points to an extent. While I certainly have always had strong opinions, I spent most of my life keeping them to myself. By no means have I ever been a yes man, but instead was more of an “I will just quietly work and discuss non-polarizing topics” man before, which is a drastic change from the public discourse I engage with today.
The thing is, I have always been this passionate, opinionated person; I just never had the courage to make my thoughts heard before. The idea of reverting to that passive person once again is just another version of returning to a closet, and that is certainly never a place I want to find myself trapped in again. It’s not to say that this transformation into who I am today happened overnight; rather, it has been a gradual change that has come about thanks to the support from friends, family, community members, and myself.
I must be the one to remind myself every day to be proud of who I am because, for a large part of my life, I was telling myself the exact opposite. I felt insecure, scared, hopeless, and dismayed at what the future had in store for me. I had no energy in me to fight because virtually all of my energy was spent focusing on how to stay in the closet; oddly enough, many of those who have issues with my post-coming out changes are the ones who were and continue to spew the rhetoric that made me want to board up the closet I was hiding in four years ago and never leave.
However, now instead of wanting to board myself up away and hide, I want to hammer those walls down. I want to challenge these people promoting hate and intolerance to open their minds. I want to get those telling me to “simmer down” to get fired up and moving because I am not planning on stopping this bi pride train until our community is safe, happy, and welcomed in this world.
It’s a lofty goal and, who knows, might never be accomplished in my lifetime. To me, that just means I have a lifetime of pushing back against those who don’t like seeing or hearing about me and my bi-dentity.
The unfortunate news for them is that, while they might not like the new me, he is certainly going to be hard to ignore because I have no plans on censoring who I am or what I am passionate about so others can quietly sit by and let hate, intolerance, and dangerous rhetoric fly around unchallenged.
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