Figuring out who you are as a person and how you fit into the world is no easy task. Some people go their entire lives without ever finding themselves. As I grew into adulthood, one of the hardest tasks I assigned myself was relatively simple on paper, but infinitely more difficult in practice. I wanted to learn how to accept not only myself — bisexuality and all — but also how to grow into someone who lives fearlessly. Though a lofty and ongoing goal, each day I find myself making progress. That forward momentum, though minute to some, is colossal to me.
It holds such personal profundity because, for a large part of my life, I allowed the whims and expectations of others, and of society in general, to make me small. Rather than blazing my own trail, I was following a road laid out for me by others. For a long time, I followed that path; it was easier than charting my own, and safe — at least that's what I told myself. But any time I stopped to smell a pretty flower or gazed up to admire an interesting cloud, my lack of focus and commitment to the status quo was called out and shamed until I got moving down that well-worn trail once again.
Oddly, I spent a lot of time angry with myself for being so unable to do what was expected of me. I grew even angrier when I did the prescribed things and felt nothing but sadness or, perhaps even more worrying, an emptiness in the pit of my stomach. Eventually, I found myself at an inexorable crossroads. I could go down the one that was full of the expected and the ordinary, or I could seize upon that nugget of bravery deep within me and use it to start something new: a journey that would surely be full of twists, turns, and pitfalls, but also one with excitement, curiosity and, if I’m being honest, a healthy amount of fear.
I chose the latter.
This isn’t to say that my new path is one full of dire perils. It’s not as though I’m crossing a crumbling rope bridge overhanging a fathomless, mist-filled ravine on my way to slay a dragon; it’s actually pretty low-key. What makes it special and challenging for me is that I am creating it as I go. I did not fit the mold society crafted for me, so instead I made my own. As soon as I did, I felt utter relief, excitement, and pride.
After giving myself the freedom to not fit in, an entirely new world opened for me. I excitedly wondered what new things I might discover about myself by simply embracing the opportunity to explore. It was both liberating and difficult to figure out what brought me happiness as I shifted my focus from what I was “supposed” to be doing to what I actually wanted, but I was satisfied knowing that I was the one in the pilot’s chair making these decisions.
Of course, with that newfound freedom came new risks. It is a struggle to choose a different way of life; swimming upstream means you will always be going against the current. But I’ll be damned if it’s not an incredible adventure. Since leaving that preordained path behind, I’ve felt joy, sadness, heartbreak, pride, insecurity, elation, and so much more; a cascade of emotions that has given me perspective, direction, and an enthusiasm for life that was previously lacking.
Learning to take responsibility for my life and make choices based on what I want, rather than letting others decide for me, has been exhilarating. Though I was told time and time again I was “special” by many adults in my life, I often felt as if what actually made me unique and interesting was being beaten out of me; it was as if they were making a giant vat of “special stew” in which everyone congeals together in a homogenous blob, resulting in an unappealing mass of the few things society considers to be socially acceptable. To me, there could be nothing less appetizing.
Oftentimes, I feel that the concept of not fitting in is restricted to those who are the loudest and most audacious people in the room. While that might hold true for some, that’s not how it works for everyone, myself included. Though my rebellion is softer and quieter, it does not mean it is lacking in sincerity or resoluteness; it's just unique to me. It’s slightly ironic, thinking that in order to find comfort in my life, I had to break something. But if the choice is between me and smashing the mold that never fit quite right, I will always choose myself.
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