Ask A Bi Dad: Should I hide my bisexuality?

Dear Lewis,

I'm currently faced with being in love with my best female friend, and it's been clear over the years that she doesn't believe in bisexuality and is turned off by the fact that I've been with men. She even recently tried to convince me that I only want to be with a woman for some ideal life I want to build (as if that is not how everyone makes their choices). I know myself. I know I will only be happy if I marry a woman. I am attracted to women, despite what many try to tell me, but of course, there are societal aspects involved in why I have this concrete desire. Your article gave me back hope that I'll be able to find a woman who isn't turned off by my bisexuality.

I already know the answer to this, but I have to go through these motions, so I'll just ask: Is it problematic to omit that I'm bi from a potential future girlfriend until I'm certain she likes me enough that this fact won't scare her away? I'm just curious how you view it.

Thank you,

Dean

Hi Dean,

Thank you for reaching out, and I'm delighted to hear that my previous piece brought you hope.

When it comes to the choice to hide your bisexuality, it’s really a personal choice. Some feel that it’s a deal breaker and they don’t want to waste time dating people that might have a problem with it. Others feel that they don’t want to be defined by their bisexuality and would rather wait to mention it.

For me personally, I’ve always felt being open and upfront was the best cause forward. I don’t want to get to like someone only to discover later that my bisexuality is a deal breaker. I prefer not to invest time and emotions in someone who might ultimately have reservations about my bisexuality. I'm proud of who I am, and I believe in finding a partner who not only accepts but celebrates this aspect of me. It's worth noting that my honest approach has occasionally cost me potential dates, but that's a trade-off I'm willing to make.

I know first-hand how crippling the fear of being rejected for your sexuality can be for bi men. It’s a stigma for a reason because so many women say they wouldn’t date us. Whilst we can’t ignore that fact, it makes the women who are okay with dating bi men so much more amazing to find. My fiancé never had an issue with my bisexuality and it really meant the world to me and gave our relationship a strong base to build on. Knowing that I could be myself, that I didn’t have to filter myself or "play straight" was so important.

The message here is that, while dating as a bi man can present its challenges, there are women out there who are entirely accepting. It's more rewarding to connect with these women than to try to persuade or "sell" the idea to someone who might have reservations.

Whatever you decide, know that your bisexuality is yours, you don’t owe anyone anything and the decision you make will be the right one.

Good luck.

Lewis

Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.

Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.

Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.

If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.

*Lewis is not a licenced therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.