The world, history, and nature are filled with notable bisexuals. Our ever-growing archives at Bi.org catalog thousands, and we’re only just scratching the surface. But there’s never been a bisexual who was at once from the animal world, a celebrity among humans, and a part of living history quite like Jonathan the Tortoise.
Jonathan was born in 1832 into a world alien to anyone today. Jonathan hatched before Darwin had ever seen a finch or written a word about evolution. Andrew Jackson was the American president, Britain had not yet abolished slavery, and the hottest name in music was Gioachino Rossini (how many of today’s superstars will one day be as unrecognizable to future people as Rossini is to most of us?).
When Jonathan was born, you could rent a three-story home in a big city for $38 a month! Jonathan was alive when the German Empire and the Soviet Union rose — and he was alive when they fell. He’s been alive for 77% of US history. At 192 years old, he’s the Guinness World Record holder not only for the oldest turtle in recorded history but also the oldest living land animal. And according to his veterinarian, he has a “good libido” and shows “no sign of slowing down”.
What’s his secret? Now, we’re not saying it’s because he’s bi. But we’re not not saying it.
Since 1882, Jonathan has been living on the grounds of the governor’s mansion on the South Atlantic island of St. Helena. When he arrived, he was already 50. He first made headlines when one of his female mates, Frederica, turned out to be a male, then renamed Frederic. Some of the other tortoises with whom he’s been amorous include Emma and Emily, both females very much Jonathan’s junior. What can we say? he may have gone mostly blind and lost his sense of smell, but Jonathan’s got game! In the words of Teeny Lucy, his caretaker, “He’s a charming old gentleman. He really is”.
But Jonathan can’t take all the credit for his wild and prolific sex life. Tortoises appear to be hardwired to come out of their shells. A 2016 study in Behavioral Ecology, in which researchers observed tortoises in Macedonia for seven years, found that these critters are anything but slow and steady when it comes to mating. The population of tortoises in the study — which were mostly, but not entirely, male — showed that tortoises aren’t picky about who they mount. As the researchers wrote, “Males courted and mounted other males more frequently than females. They even exhibited extravagant sexual behaviors […] Males were observed mounting juveniles, dead males, and tortoise skeletons (empty shells of males). Two were seen attempting to copulate with stones that vaguely resembled a tortoise.”
Tortoises have evolved a reproductive strategy of “yes”. They mate early, they mate often, and they mate whenever they have the opportunity, even if their partner turns out to be a rock. They’re the reptilian version of Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glen Ross (1992): “ABC: Always Be Closing.” Researchers believe that same-sex behavior among tortoises may also be more common in circumstances where females are relatively scarce. As a 2016 piece in New York Magazine explains, male tortoises have a lot of sexual energy, and when there are few females around, they become “less discerning”.
From an evolutionary standpoint, this behavior has no major downside and, thus, is not seen as something that would have to be “corrected” by the costly and laborious evolution over countless generations of “specific neuroendocrine structures that selectively filter our [same-sex behavior]”. And judging by Jonathan, it may well be the secret to longevity. At the very least, it’s certainly more enjoyable.