Dear Lewis,
I recently started dating a wonderful man — charming, intelligent, and kind. After a few dates, he told me he’s bi and, in his previous marriage, had secretly explored this side of himself. He regrets not being honest, but now that he’s single, he says he needs both male and female connections to feel truly fulfilled.
He’s asked me to accept this part of him, insisting it’s not about love but about a biological drive and mental well-being. He even has an ongoing connection with a male friend, with his friend’s wife’s approval, and wants to continue seeing him occasionally. I told him I value monogamy and don’t know if I can be in this kind of arrangement. He says that if I truly care for him, I’ll embrace all of him.
Now, he’s pushing for a decision. Either I take a leap of faith, or we end things before we get more attached. I feel torn — our relationship is new, yet I already feel pressured to compromise my values. I don’t want to dismiss him for being bi, but I also don’t want to ignore my own boundaries.
Is it fair for him to ask this of me? Am I being closed-minded, or is this simply an incompatibility?
Hi Sky,
Thanks so much for your letter.
I’m sorry you have such a difficult decision to make, but unfortunately, this is the reality of where you are.
Reading your letter, I actually think he’s being crystal clear. You either need to accept a relationship where another man is involved, or you need to walk away.
From his messages, I don’t think he’s going to change his mind — and even if he did, he might change it again later. Sometimes, when we hear things we don’t like, we deny them and hope that with time, things will be different. But a big part of life is accepting bad news, and unfortunately, I think you may have to accept the reality of what he’s putting on the table.
The only question you really need to ask yourself is: can you accept a relationship where there’s a third person involved? If not, it’s time to go.
To help make peace with your decision, I think it’s important to take his sexuality out of the equation. How would you feel if he were straight and telling you he wanted to be with another woman on the side? Would that be acceptable to you? The truth is, many people have sexual urges but still choose to remain monogamous, so his “biological drive” isn’t something you should feel obligated to accommodate.
At the end of the day, it depends on what you want in life. No one is saying you have to cut him off completely—you could remain friends or even have a casual arrangement. But if you’re looking for a committed relationship, you need to be honest with yourself about whether this setup will truly make you happy.
You should commend yourself for being open-minded and understanding, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept everything. Your own standards and values matter, and it’s important to have boundaries. You don’t have to agree to any arrangement that makes you uncomfortable.
Wishing you all the best with your decision.
Lewis
Bisexual people often have few other bi people to turn to for support or to ask questions. This means we often can’t build on the experience of other bi people and improve things for the next generation. Ask a Bi Dad is aimed at tackling this.
Lewis Oakley is one of the leading bi advocates and writers in the UK, campaigning to improve the public’s perception of bisexuality. Recognised by the Pride Power List 2021 and with various award nominations under his belt, Lewis has been successful in making bisexuality national news.
Lewis knows more than most how lonely being bisexual can feel, particularly in those early years. Now, confident in himself, his relationship, and a dad of two, Lewis recognises how rare and lucky he is. This is why he wants to help where he can by answering the questions of bi people from all around the world.
If you have a question that you would like a perspective on, please email to [email protected]. The briefer the email, the more likely I will be able to respond.
*Lewis is not a licensed therapist, and the advice offered in this column is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional advice. If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional, psychological, or medical help, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified specialist.