What Do People Really Think of Bisexuality?

In my experience as an out and proud bi man, there has been one segment of the LGBTI community that I routinely face skepticism, criticism, and, occasionally, even outright dismissal from — gay men. For several of these men, bisexuality was used as part of their coming out process. They moved from heterosexual to bisexual in a “soft coming out” before finally embracing their true colors as a homosexual. This experience seems to have ingrained in them the idea that bisexuality is not legitimate or, as one man so colorfully put it to me, is, “Just the last stop before boarding the gay train.”

Unfortunately, the stigma associated with bisexuality among gay men doesn’t seem to be going anywhere soon; it’s something I routinely speak out against, but I have accepted that it’s something I will have to deal with for the foreseeable future. However, when going through some of my past writings during quarantine downtime, I was struck by a thought: are gay men legitimately more critical of bisexuality than other orientations, say for example heterosexuals, or are they just more comfortable expressing their thoughts on sexual orientation?

To get some insights into this, I conducted an informal survey with the following questions to gain clarity on this thought. A big thank you to the participants for not only sharing their insights, but for helping me to gain a better understanding of our community as well. To preserve the privacy of survey participants, some of whom are not totally out, last names have been removed.

What are your general thoughts on bisexuality? How have they evolved or remained the same over time?

Ever since coming to terms with my own sexuality, I’ve felt that all forms of sexuality are valid, as long as it’s between two consenting adults. I know there is a lot of biphobia in the gay community, which is absolutely ridiculous considering we’re all part of the same community and are supposed to be there to support each other. — Alex, identifies as homosexual

In high school and college, I’m not sure I knew how valid bisexuality was because I was trying to pass as straight but still having male and female partners. Not until my mid 20s did I realize that I was bi and that it was ok, but it would still take me a few years to ‘come out.’ — Scott, identifies as bisexual

I think it's great! Just another way of being queer. Do I get what it means to be into both sexes? No, but I'm happy for y'all who do! And I'm happy to learn from you. — Jon, identifies as homosexual

Do you think that gay individuals are perceived as more critical of bisexuality because they are more comfortable discussing sexual orientation compared to heterosexual individuals? Or do you think there is a legitimate bias against bisexuals from those who identify as homosexual?

I think that gays are perceived as more critical because of their higher level of comfort discussing orientation than homosexuals, but I also believe there is an unfair bias, as well. — Dave, identifies as homosexual

I don't think it has to do with comfort discussing sexual topics. The bias from some gay individuals may stem from a perception that the "bi" label is used to deflect stigma from society. — Jeff, identifies as homosexual

I think some of it might be rooted in fear/survival. I think queer people have had to be very protective of their spaces by necessity for a long time, and sometimes that defensiveness manifests as gatekeeping/perceiving people as ‘not queer enough.’ — Aimee, identifies as bisexual

Why do you think there is a bias against bisexuals within the LGBTI community? Or do you not believe that it's an issue? Please explain.

I think there is legitimate bias against bisexuals, especially bisexual men, from individuals who identify as homosexual and straight. It’s widely known that bisexual women are viewed as “hot” or “sexy,” whereas bisexual men carry the stigma of being homosexual but not fully accepting it yet. — James, identifies as homosexual

I think gay men are uncomfortable with the idea that a man could be interested in men sexually but also women. I think they take it as a threat— and are insecure. Also wonder if they are dating a bi man is he going to be satisfied with just me— does he need more— i.e. a woman to sleep with as well. — Brain, identifies as homosexual

If you aren’t bisexual yourself it is hard to understand the magnitude of what bisexuality means. I think the difficulty in understanding this leads to confusion. People like absolutes, bisexuality is variable. — Dev, identifies as homosexual

Do you think heterosexual individuals keep their thoughts on sexual orientation to themselves to avoid conflict?

Potentially. I think with how heterosexuality has always been thought of as the “norm” or the empowered group that it’s not as important for it to be part of your self-identity. I believe people in the LGBTI community take a lot of pride in that part of their identity and therefore are willing to talk about it. — Matt, identifies as heterosexual

I think they keep their thoughts on sexual orientation, and most sexual aspects for that matter, because society has deemed such exploration as perverted and for many years the term ‘perverts’ was synonymous with homosexuality. — Jacob, identifies as homosexual

I think the perception that heterosexuals keep their thoughts to themselves depends a LOT on where you live. I know my red state certainly doesn't lack for straights to pipe in about their opinion of "the alphabet community". But, in regards to the less hostile elements, our "allies"; I think many straight people keep quiet to avoid saying the wrong thing (in no small part because learning the right answer is too much effort). — Rif, identifies as bisexual

While these answers don’t exactly provide a straightforward answer to my original question, they did help me gain a deeper understanding of where people from a variety of sexual orientations are coming from. One of the things that makes the LGBTI community equal parts beautiful and challenging is the fact that we are all expressing and finding ourselves in different ways; as long as we have the capacity to have respectful and rational conversations, we can continue to move forward and improve.