Tips On Getting Over Your First Bi Breakup

By Jennie Roberson

January 11, 2023

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Photo credit: Bigstock/Prostock-studio

Well, it happened. Maybe you got dumped. Maybe it was a long-distance relationship that finally ran its course. Perhaps one of you is moving away, or cheating was involved, etc. The point is, it’s done. You’re having your first bi breakup. And boy does it suck.

You probably feel unmoored, like there’s no roadmap to this particular heartache. It might be frightening because this was your first time exploring a queer relationship. Where do you go from here?

Well, dear reader, I’ve been there, and I’m here with a few pointers from my experience, observations, and research that may help you out.

Bigstock/Krakenimages.com

In no particular order:

Honor and acknowledge your feelings, but don’t wallow in them. 

This is a hard milestone in your queer life, and it’s important to feel the pain, but the pain is supposed to be temporary. Bottling it up isn’t healthy for anyone, so as hard as it is, the best way to get through this is to allow yourself to feel those emotions in order to move past them. Cry in a safe place. Talk through your feelings with people you trust. And for the love of all that is holy: feel it.

Remember: It was a queer relationship even if the person was of the other sex. 

Even if you were perceived as a straight couple; even if your partner thought it was a typical hetero-seeming relationship, to you it wasn’t. If you’re queer, your relationship was queer. Don’t let anyone straight-wash it in order for them to process things more easily for themselves, up to and including your ex. It was a queer relationship.

You are no less bi, but be ready for people to try to pigeonhole you. 

Oh boy, this may be the most painful point of all because it’s the most particular to our community, and it’s about how to deal with a world that refuses to let go of binary thinking! You’ll come across people who will want to say you’re gay now, or straight now, or you “got it out of your system”. That it was “clearly just a phase”.

People can be cruel and ignorant, especially in their snap judgments. Choose how you want to interact with these assessments ― maybe you want to challenge them head-on. Maybe you just don’t have the heart-space to explain to your co-worker Janet that you two broke up. Both strategies are totally fine. Just make sure to brace for impact ― because these scenarios are likely, and I want you to be prepared.

Assign a friend to tell others. 

Do you have one of those friends who’s great at breaking news to the group? Do you want to avoid reliving your breakup over and over again? Trusting someone with informing your social circle can be useful. You can also tell them to let others know whether you want to talk about it or not. (Maybe you do, maybe you don’t ― I know I process my emotions by talking them through with a trusted buddy, but your mileage may vary.)

Take social media breaks, and ask friends not to mention this person for a while.

Good gravy, do I know how tempting it is to just hit refresh on your ex’s profile over and over to see if there’s a new pic, a new story ― anything for my mind to seize on! But this just feeds a bad feedback loop in our brains. Maybe this is a good time to put down your phone and focus on your dog. Or that stain-glass window project you’ve been meaning to do for a hot minute. Studies show that breaks from social media can lessen our anxiety, depression, and FOMO. Start with small breaks ― maybe just for a weekend. Extend them as needed.

As far as the moratorium from your friends ― this isn’t like you’re in a soap opera, and it’s the Ex Who Must Not Be Named. Just try to see if you can avoid getting reminded of their existence any more than when their name is rattling around in your brain. And healing isn’t linear ― you'll probably slip up and check, maybe accidentally like a pic of the two of you from two years ago on their profile. It happens. Don’t try to judge yourself; just get back on that horse.

Make a solid list of what didn’t work about your dynamic. 

This list can include short-term or long-term things, pet peeves, or reasons why you weren’t compatible. It’s incredibly important not to glorify what you had. Our brains love to dwell on a supercut of the highlights because they don’t want to turn off the faucet of feel-good chemicals. It’s akin to graduation goggles. Resist that temptation! It’s time to remind yourself why this won’t work and build some new neural pathways in the noggin.

And refer to this list when you’re starting to lose your nerve or you’re tempted to get them back. There’s a reason they’re in your last chapter, even if you don’t know why at first. And you can’t start writing the next chapter in your life until you stop rewriting the last one.

Move your body (as you are able), and get into some natural space. 

Maybe you’re not big on exercise. Dancing is still free and freely available. So are walks with friends or just around the block. The point is to get out of your head and back into that bodacious bod of yours. Touching grass and moving through space will help you stay in the present moment.

Also? Nature is awesome and healing. Sometimes going to the shore or being around trees or gazing up at a big bowl of stars can get you some perspective ― both literally and figuratively.

Take in some queer media. All of it. 

Seeing queer stories on screens big and small, tragic or comical, can be therapeutic. It can also really remind you that you’re not alone. If you’re stumped for ideas, we’ve got plenty of ‘em for you under the “Unicorn Scale” category, as well as plenty of music to add to your bitchin’ bi playlists!

Acknowledge that everything will remind you of them ― for a time. 

Maybe every time you see a certain food it’ll remind you of your ex. Maybe they had freakishly strong opinions about the songs that play in the supermarket. Or they look kind of like that one actress if you squint that seems to be in every movie right now. This is part of the process! Is it draining? Of course. But if you take a moment to be like “Okay, I’m noticing that this piece of bread smells like Alex, but it won’t always be what reminds me of them”, you’ll be able to break from that lightly obsessive thinking in time.

Check-in with old friends, especially if they’re queer. 

Did you sort of drop out of your friends’ lives while you got wrapped up in this first love? It happens. (There are whole shows about it!) No better time to reconnect than now that you’ve got some free time. Especially if they’re queer! They’ll get the guy-punch of what happened better than anybody else. Trust me.

Bigstock/kall1st0

Finally, remember: healing isn’t linear, but it will happen, and you will find queer love again.

I’m not gonna say “time heals all wounds” because we’ve all heard that a thousand times and, even though there’s some truth to it, it’s a platitude that’s not very helpful right now. What I will say is that you will slip up. You’ll cry in the supermarket. You’ll feel awkward going on your first date afterwards. You’ll be thinking so intently about that one amazing weekend in Cancun you both had that you’ll burn your grilled cheese and set off the fire alarm.

What I am trying to say is: healing isn’t linear, so be patient with yourself. This is a new experience for you and you’re not expected to ace the recovery with high marks. Beating yourself up for feeling love isn’t gonna help anybody, but especially not you. And you will feel those heady feelings of love again when the time is right.

Now take good care, my bbs. You’ll pull through. You always do.

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