The Power of Your Chosen Family

By Blaize Stewart

January 05, 2020

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Photo credit: Unsplash/Tyler Nix

For many people, the term "family" has a fairly narrow definition. This definition includes a nuclear family, including two parents (more likely than not of different sexes), some children (who are expected to confine themselves to typical gender norms), and a few extended relatives with some quirky, lovable characteristics. This is the family structure that some hold to be sacred and, for many, that is all family will ever be. Of course, if you’re lucky enough to find all that you need to succeed in life within this system, you should celebrate and cherish that fact. But, not everyone is so lucky.

Some people, for a variety of reasons, are unable to find the love, support, or basic connection they need in order to thrive from their biological family. Within the LGBT community, where familial turmoil is all too familiar, many turn to their chosen families to find the emotional, psychological and social support needed to succeed in life.

The concept of a chosen family is straightforward: it is a group of people who you turn to for whatever you need. While you might not be related by blood, the bonds you share with your chosen family are no less valuable; for some, they might even be more important. Knowing that someone is choosing to be a part of your experiences, the good times and the bad, provides a level of security and comfort that everyone should have as they go through life.

A group of multi ethnic and hip friends all smiling and have their arms in the air with a city in the background.
istock/RyanJLane

I consider myself to be very lucky to be able to include my immediate family and several extended relatives as a part of my chosen family. As I have written about often, I have an incredibly strong, supportive relationship with my biological family today, but these relationships aren’t always as easy or fun to maintain as they’re portrayed online. We work hard together to make sure our bonds remain strong. I put the same hard work in to maintain bonds with the people with who I am not biologically connected.

I work hard to ensure these connections remain intact because, while I have been incredibly lucky in several areas of life, I have still felt the pain of being abandoned by a family member I loved and idolized. I’ve learned exactly how it feels when someone isn’t forced to leave but rather chooses to leave by their own volition.

Growing up, I thought the world revolved around my maternal grandfather; pretty much all my siblings and I did. He made us feel special, smart, and loved; he even christened me with my childhood nickname “Yoda” thanks to my large head and prominent ears (don’t worry, I grew into them eventually). We spent copious amounts of time with him and our grandma having what can only be described as an idyllic grandparent/grandchild relationship. Unfortunately, when my grandma passed away from pancreatic cancer, all of that began to change rapidly.

Soon after, my grandpa remarried (my grandma’s home hospice nurse) and, from my perspective, started living life with his “new” family. It was utterly devastating; right after losing one grandparent, who lamented the fact that she would never have the chance to see me, my siblings, or my cousins grow up, the other one made the conscious choice to leave our lives forever.

I’m embarrassed to admit that in the years that followed, despite my anger, a small part of me hoped that he would show up to a milestone event in my life to show he cared, that I was worth the same attention then as I was when I was younger. But as birthdays, graduations, and holidays rolled by with no contact, that hope shrank year after year. It finally evaporated completely the day I graduated from high school with no contact at all.

As devastating as that abandonment was, through it, I learned a valuable life lesson: if people want to be in your life and want to see you succeed, they will let you know. They will be there for you. There is no point in chasing after people who have zero interest in you just because you happen to be related because, in a world full of people, you’re bound to find a group that does care.

Group of several multi ethnic friends dressed in warm clothes at the beach around a campfire talking and playing music.
Pexels/Kindel Media

In a weird way, that unfortunate experience ultimately changed my life for the better. I began investing my time and energy into relationships that gave me joy, inspired me to be better, and filled my life with vibrancy and excitement. Yes, I might have lost one biological family member in the process, but I have gained so many more chosen family members as a result, people who I can’t imagine living my life without, that I wouldn’t change a thing.

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