Overcoming My Anger As A Bi Man

Fear, anxiety, sadness, isolation — these are all emotional experiences those who have gone through the coming-out process can relate to; at least, I know I can as a bi man. In the time before I came out, my life was silently dominated by these and other extreme emotions, as I worried that expressing them would expose my deepest, darkest secret. While the aforementioned sentiments would wax and wane depending on the day, there was one unfortunate constant that did not begin to dissipate until I left the closet behind for good: anger.

I am not saying closeted me took my anger out on the world; generally speaking, I do not think I was or am perceived as an angry person. Sure, I will go toe-to-toe with anyone in a debate — especially if it is about bisexuality — but very few people in my life have seen me get to a level of true anger. Perhaps that is because I spent so much time and effort during my closeted days raging against one person in particular: myself.

The years leading up to coming out were some of the most challenging I ever experienced. At the time, I could not find bi resources and did not see much bi representation to provide me with the security and assurance I needed to know that being bisexual was valid; at that point, I barely even knew it existed. As a result, I spent years trying to figure out if I was gay or straight because, at the time, I thought those were the only options; as a bi man, this flip-flopping exponentially increased my confusion and frustration. Had there been ample bi resources and representation readily and easily available, it would have saved me from years of emotional turmoil.

Sadly, this polarized approach to understanding and accepting sexual orientation compounded my anger as the years progressed. I was furious with myself for not being able to figure out who I was, and, as a result, I treated myself more harshly than I would ever allow others to treat me. While it might not have been apparent to others at the time, I think the stark difference between my emotional state now shows just how deep into anger and self-loathing I had fallen. I might have been smiling on the outside, but inside I was aggressively and continuously berating myself for my indecisiveness and inability to understand who I was.

Eventually, I did discover a few bisexual resources and finally recognized myself in their descriptions, which led to a slight tempering of the anger inside. For the first time in a long time, I felt hopeful. However, it was a brief reprieve; a cursory Google search of “bisexuality” led me to a plethora of “resources," many of which claimed bisexuality was just a phase. Finding what I thought was my saving grace only to have it immediately discredited by many others — some of whom were also members of the LGBTI community — was an emotional hurdle that took quite a while for me to overcome and did nothing to soothe my feelings of self-loathing.

Despite the bi critics, deep down, I knew I had finally found my identity, and, as time progressed, my certainty only grew stronger. However, I was not ready to leave the closet behind, as I was afraid to face the ridicule, skepticism, and questions from those who believed that bisexuality was nothing more than a phase, which would eventually be replaced by hetero- or homosexuality. Even though these were and remain valid concerns, they only made me grow angrier with myself. I had finally figured out who I was after years of searching, yet I was too cowardly to live as my authentic self.

Eventually, the emotional weight of being in the closet became too much to carry, and I came out. It was only after taking this vital step that I realized how needlessly harsh I had been on myself in previous years. Self-discovery is a journey that we all must take, regardless of sexual orientation, and anger does not make the ride any easier to endure. If there is one piece of advice I wish I could go back and tell my closeted self, it is to be patient and kind to yourself as you uncover the real you. It takes time to figure out who you are, and trying to rush through it will only make things harder.

I am not saying all the anger and frustration with myself and the world suddenly evaporated as soon as I left the closet behind, but in the years since, I have slowly learned how to be kind enough to myself to grow into the bi man I want to be: someone who can recognize and accept anger when it arises but does not let it dominate their reaction. Anger is an emotion that is a permanent aspect of life, but by taking power over it — rather than giving in to its power — I’ve found it much easier to understand and overcome, as both a bi man and beyond.