The Mini Unicorn Scale: Volume 18

Hey there, my lovely Unicorns, old and new! I have to say; I am agog. Beside myself, I say! Because we are now at volume 18 ― count ‘em, 18 ― of these mini Unicorn Scales! If these were years, this column would be able to vote, sign up for the armed forces, and buy cigarettes (though really, I only recommend doing the first one on that list). My baby’s grown up so fast.

And we’re gonna keep it rolling along, merrily or not! Who’s craving some more short-form media bi representation? Raise your hand! I can’t see it, but I’m sure you’re doing that. I am. (And just got some odd looks from other people in my office. Oh well.) So let’s get to it!

First and foremost, normally, I say there will be SPOILERS for the media herein, but since it’s so short, I can link to the actual source material, and you can check it out first before you take a gander at my assessments. Also, if this is your first time around these parts with the Unicorn Scale ― short-form or long ― you may want to take a look at our metric HERE so you can figure out how I’m gauging the awesomeness of these entries.

Get-it-got-it-good-offwego.

1) Doechii, “Yucky Blucky Fruitcake”

Blazing a trail off of TikTok trends and landing first on our list is this entry from Doechii, who makes sure everyone in class is paying attention. Framed as her introducing herself to the class, this white-hot rapper from Tampa goes over everything in her heart and mind while she introduces herself to an unsuspecting class ― including discussions of her bisexuality, living off of food stamps, how to deal with bullies and the joys of self-pleasure. Fun fact: the song was inspired by Doechii reading The Artist’s Way.

2) Sammy Rae and the Friends, “Jackie Onassis"

My good friend Robin turned me on to this one and I can’t stop listening to it. Something about its mid-90s mid-tempo arrangement, puns about first ladies and descriptions about the first queer feelings just gets my foot tapping. And makes me want to order some Jackie O sunglasses, too.

3) SNL Sketch ― “Porch Scene” (feat. Aidy Bryant, Kate McKinnon & Zoe Kravitz)

One of my favorite comedic pairings of the last decade on SNL has been the recently departed-from-show Kate and Aidy, hands-down. They tended to handle the “five to one [a.m]” sketches that always had a lock on a tone that was somewhere in the intersection of funny, weird, and strangely sweet. And “Porch” is no exception. Tapping into the universal experience of “what-do-I-do-can-I-call-a-friend, butterflies-in-my-stomach panic of middle school, the two take on the characters of mathletes guiding one through a cuddly first encounter with the opposite sex (Kravitz). 

Lucky for them, Kravitz’s character is a confident young bi woman, which, granted, immediately gets the junior high school boy more excited, but it's a nice touch to add that didn’t have to be there. Ah, the deft dance of seeing if I can let my crush’s and I’s knees touch ― doesn’t get more first love than that.

4) Rihanna, “Te Amo”

Way back in the earlier parts of RiRi’s career comes this bi-curious tango number. By lyrics alone, it seems like a rather innocent lost-in-translation misunderstanding, but the visuals of the music video make it clear there’s a lot of queer gaze at play. Our favorite singer from Barbados gives us some indelible images and promise here, but it doesn’t seem to totally come to fruition as a bi declaration. (But if anyone finds out Rihanna is bi, please send me the Google alert straightaway.

5) Veronicas, “Take Me on the Floor”

Time to get our pulses racing and our booties shaking with this 2010 dance beat! Sure, at first it sounds like the typical come-hither dance ditty, but in the chorus when the singers repeat “I wanna kiss a girl/I wanna kiss a guy,” there can be no doubting it’s not just the rhythm that’s fluid and flowin’.

6) Josephine Baker, “J’ai Deux Amours” (I Have Two Loves)

Taking us home is this 1930 French classic by perhaps the coolest bi person that ever existed, Josephine Baker. While the lyrics say she is singing about her two loves ― her home country of America and Paris ― it can easily be read as a metaphor for her bisexuality. And that could well be the case, with getting a queer record out in 1930, for a woman of color who had already by this moment lived two such different lives in America and France. Maybe some people think I’m looking too deeply into this, that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. But with a historical figure as clever as Baker, I think that simple reading does her intellect a disservice.

Well, that about covers things for this edition! I hope I was able to show you some bi bops that were new to you, or with a new meaning. Happy listening, my beautiful bi babes!