Meet Jessica

Meet Jessica. Jessica is bi. Jessica is in the closet.

Asked to describe her fear of coming out as bi in one sentence, Jessica said, "While I am not worried about how some family members will react, I am deeply concerned about losing the love and respect of others despite having done nothing wrong." Our friends and family know us so deeply and are such an integral part of our lives — to imagine them longer caring for you because they disagree with your innate sexuality can be emotionally crushing.

I asked Jessica about how she felt toward the rest of the LGBT community as well as straight folks with regard to how they view her sexuality:

"This is a very complicated subject,” she said. “I feel as though a few are accepting while others... well, this is where the whole concept of 'bi-erasure' rears its ugly head. The people I have come out to have been very accepting and supportive. I have one gay friend who knows, and he has been very supportive. He has never made me feel like less because I am bi. However, I am trying online dating, and it is completely different there. I am listed as bisexual on my online dating profile. I have tried messaging people listed as lesbian, and while a handful have messaged me back, I would say a majority have said, 'I don't date bisexuals', with no explanation as to why. I don't know if it stems from the concept of the 'gold star lesbian' (a lesbian who has never been with a man) and how that is the 'best' one can be, or if it is because of the stereotypes of bi people, but I am automatically dismissed.

“As for straight people, they usually ask questions like ‘How did you know?’ or ‘How long have you been bi?’ Sometimes the threesome thing comes up... ugh. That is why I prefer people who identify as pan, bi, or queer. They are less judgmental. As far as asexual, I can honestly say I have never met someone who openly identifies as asexual. I would hope that they would be accepting, though, because people tend to write off their sexuality, too, as something that doesn't exist."

Besides identifying as bi, Jessica also uses another term to describe her sexuality. "Typically, my relationships are demisexual, meaning I have to have a strong emotional connection before I can have a sexual relationship with someone. Every once in a while, I will feel a sexual attraction and fulfill it, but that is uncommon."

I asked her to remember back to the time when she first realized she was bi and whether she has fully come to terms with her bisexuality:

“I came to realize I was bi when I found a copy of my dad's porn movie when I was young (maybe 11 or 12), watched it to see what all the fuss over porn was all about, and found myself aroused by both the men and the women,” she said. “As far as coming to terms with my sexuality, I am currently in a period when I am more attracted to women, and I think to myself, ‘Am I maybe gay?’ But then I get that familiar feeling that says, 'Nope. Still bi.' Since sexuality works on a spectrum, it changes for me. Sometimes it is more women. Sometimes it is more men.”

Many bi folks can relate to this. It's often difficult for people to come out bi because of remarks friends and family have made over the years that stick in the mind. Even though such comments are directed toward other people, they can strike a nerve with those in the room for whom they hit home, unbeknownst to the speaker. I asked Jessica about some of the negative things she may have heard from people in the past:

“For the most part, I am dissuaded from coming out to my family due to general homophobia,” she said. “They make your typical statements about homosexuals: how they are 'abominations' or 'sinners.' I am not sure what level of acceptance they would grant me. My dad, however, teeters on Westboro-level statements and would probably disown me. He told me he had to block any updates I shared on Facebook from the Lizzy the Lezzy page because they grossed him out. He uses homophobic slurs that I won't repeat. I don't think he could handle a non-hetero child.”

Jessica contacted me just before this article’s publication to tell me, "My mother had what she called 'a nightmare' where I 'secretly liked women but still had a husband.' I asked if that meant I was bisexual in her dream, and she said, 'I don't know. Maybe? I don't really 'get' that word.'" Let's hope the bravery Jessica exhibited by speaking up and saying the word "bisexual" will cause her mother to ponder on that word and eventually soften her feelings toward her daughter's sexual orientation, if she ever comes out.

How familiar is Jessica to the online bi community? "I am just now starting to reach out on Facebook to the bi community,” she responded. “I joined two closed groups, but they aren't what I expected. There isn't much discussion, so I don't know if they are what I am looking for in a group."

Had she ever been to an LGBT bar, organization, or a pride event? Jessica said, "No, I have never gone to any LGBT spaces. There are three contributing factors: I have low self-esteem since I have put on weight, I don't want to have to explain to my folks where I am going, and really, I don't know where people meet. It is as simple as that."

"I don't think there ever is an 'ideal' for me; I am either going to do it or not," Jessica replied when I asked her about the perfect scenario for coming out. "As much as I don't approve, part of me says, 'Just stay in the closet unless you are in a same-sex relationship. They don't need to know otherwise.' It is a very strange dichotomy I feel. Yes, I want to be out; no, I don't want to be rejected by my family. Therefore, I have become incapacitated."

Had Jessica ever been in a same-sex relationship? "I have been in one same-gender relationship,” she revealed. “It was while I was in college, and it didn't end well. We lived in a very conservative community where LGBT was pretty much forbidden. This woman and I were very much in love, until the day her mom found her lesbian pornography. Then on that exact day, this person said she was 'just experimenting' and didn't look at women that way anymore. She was only aroused by them. She didn't want to date them. It was all very upsetting and confusing for me. I was heartbroken and angry and overreacted. I look back on it now and realize I acted rather immaturely and regret my actions. I also realize she was probably forced to do something she may not have wanted to do."

Life can be frustrating, especially after a rough heartbreak, but it isn't all storm clouds and thunder. Being bi can also bring joy and comfort. I asked Jessica what about being bi makes her feel wonderful. She imparted, "The endless possibilities! Being bi doesn't limit you! They say there are so many fish in the sea... well when you are bi, the ocean is that much more diverse and beautiful because you see all the creatures, not just the fish!"

That is Jessica's story.

52% of LGBT people surveyed are bi, according to most recent polls. Many bi people remain slightly wet. This ranges from gay and lesbian-identified people who also have attractions to the opposite sex, straight-identified people who also have same-sex attractions, and the average person who gives no hint of their sexuality but is generally assumed to be straight. This suggests that the numbers may be higher among the non-LGBT demographics. What can you do to encourage bi people to come out? Do you help facilitate a safe environment for bi people to feel comfortable coming out to you? Do you see the importance of people living as their true selves, to be able to talk openly about the relationships they are in regardless of the sex of their partner?

In an effort to shine a light on the fears and discouragement that keep bi people in the closet, I present to you a series of interviews with those I call "damp bi" folks. Though just as fluid in their sexuality as any openly bi person, a damp bi is someone who cannot fully embrace their fluidity in their sexuality safely or surely, and therefore are only "slightly wet." This series hopes to impart a sense of encouragement and hope for those in the closet, and a sense of awareness and insight to those non-bi folks who want to encourage bi people to live their lives openly and proud.