Hey there, dear readers! I hope this little article finds you happy, healthy, and in a peaceful state of mind. I know that may seem like a contradiction considering today’s subject matter; however, I still wish it for you nonetheless.
There are so many things I wish were true to make this a more perfect world. Ending world hunger and the like, sure, but also other things people wouldn’t expect. I wish everyone could have a Star Trek replicator that produced whatever they were craving on the spot. I wish we could have one day a week dedicated to petting cats and dogs. But on a more serious note, I wish we lived in a more tolerant and understanding world — particularly when it comes to LGBT people.
While progress is coming along on that front, it isn’t where most of us would like to be — where sexual minorities can be open and honest about their orientations. Sadly, it’s often quite the opposite — with many of us living in the closet, fearing personal repercussions if we come out.
Unfortunately, part of the emotional journey for so many bi people is the fear of being outed against their will. Maybe this has just happened to you. Or maybe you’re coming to terms with who you are and want to know what to expect. That’s where I come in!
Below is a very loose guideline of what to do when you’re being outed. Bear in mind that I must give a disclaimer here: this is not a be-all, end-all, catch-all list. Everyone’s queer experience is different, and I cannot give the same advice to a sixty-something teacher who just got outed by the principal that I would give to a teen who confessed to the wrong friend and got outed in a group chat. So please keep in mind that your mileage may vary. My hope is that this list will provide some much-needed pointers to keep in your arsenal. Feel free to cherry-pick what works for you!
Now that we’ve got that preamble taken care of, let’s get down to business.
Preparation is some of the best defense
Are you reading this because you haven’t been outed yet, but you’re terrified of what could happen?
One of the best things you can do to quell those fears is to fortify yourself in multiple ways.
First, if we are talking about dire, will-get-kicked-out-of-the-house level consequences, try to put together a go-bag, funds, and safe places to go. If you’re a teen, sources like the LA LGBT Center may be able to assist you. Also, doing research (and making sure you delete your browser history afterward) can go a long way in feeling more secure if worse comes to worst.
If you’re concerned on a professional front, make sure to know your legal rights in your state (or province, country, etc.) so you’re not slammed with shock, which can rattle your defenses. Find out if there are any legal ramifications or if your company has a policy in place that protects you.
If you’re more concerned on a personal/relationship level, writing out and memorizing some scripts in response may help. This can give you peace of mind before we get into the following sections.
Build a support network ahead of time (if possible)
Maybe your concern is being outed at work, but your friends are your rock, and you know you can trust them with this information. Or your brother is a vault of discretion, but maybe your cousin would blab to your parents the first chance they got. The point is we all tend to have concentric circles of trust, but those circles change depending on the nature of what you’re disclosing. Work on navigating that terrain and being out to those whom you would trust with your life (and vice versa). Even if you feel like your entire community is not in these circles, you can build relationships with online friends you can trust, with some navigation.
We all need someone to lean on (cue the music — personally, I’m sick of the song, but the message is great). As isolating as our fear of being outed can be, we need to remember we are not alone in this experience. There is a certain comfort in knowing many members of your bi community have likely been through this, too!
Remember: being bi is nothing to be ashamed about
No matter what the person who outed you may think or try to accomplish by weaponizing your sexuality, queerness is a rare joy in the human experience. You have recognized in yourself a force of attraction and love so powerful that it bursts through the binaries of outdated romantic parameters. That is something to celebrate — not hide.
Your reaction colors the reactions of others
Believe it or not, many will take psychological cues from you when the outing happens. They’re looking to see how you take it. Are you ashamed (see above)? Are you blasé about it? There is so much we cannot control in life (including when people are shitty and try to take things away from us), but we are always in control of how we react to events. This can be a chance for you to take back your narrative.
Speaking of which, you can elaborate or not elaborate on your bisexuality as little or as much as you want
Sometimes there are questions. Other times there are accusations — often emotional outbursts. You can address them or not — it’s entirely up to you. You do not have to “explain yourself”, or “have something to say about this”. Or you can field questions like it’s a press conference. It is entirely your decision to gauge how much you want to respond or if you want to walk away from the conversation.
Find a safe space where you can express and process your emotions for what is often a betrayal**
This is a heavy situation you’ve just been thrust into, and you likely need to think about what happened, its impact, etc. Therapy is a great place to sound things out if you have access to it. Going for a walk is another. Find a rage room. Hey, even punching a pillow can be cathartic! Find a healthy emotional outlet and allow yourself to be present.
** Sometimes you’re accidentally outed with no ill will, but that tends to be rarer.
Remember: this is not the end of your story
In the future, with different social circles and peer groups, you’ll control how you’re out, if at all. You will likely run into this dilemma again, as bi folks in particular tend to come out more often due to bi-erasure and the nature of dating in a heteronormative world. That’s okay.
Remember: this will pass. It will become a memory — one that may sting but one which you’ll draw from in some way or another. If nothing else, know that your bi community understands what you’re going through in a profound way that few others can truly understand. The world is starting to catch up — not as quickly as we’d like, but it’s getting there. Take comfort in that.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Hopefully, these suggestions provided a helpful toolkit that leaves you feeling more prepared to deal with the consequences of a (sadly) common phenomenon within the queer community. Remember that you are loved and worthy — no matter what Aunt Beverly tries to say about you. She needs to change up her hygiene routine, anyway.
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