One of the most frequent questions I get as an out and vocal member of the LGBT community, and even more specifically as a bi man, is a surprisingly simple one; I’m regularly asked, “What is the right way to ask questions about you and your community without causing offense?”
As someone who spends a lot of time fielding questions regarding the LGBT community, the answer seems fairly straightforward to me, but I always appreciate it when an unsure person asks me the appropriate way to broach the subject in a respectful manner.
The short answer is fairly simple: if it seems like an awkward or intrusive question, it probably is. One way I have people test this out is by asking them to adjust the question and frame it as if they were addressing a straight person. For example, asking,
How do you really know you’re heterosexual? When was the last time you slept with someone from the opposite sex? How often do you sleep with members of the opposite gender?
Most of the time, this simple shift in perspective helps people understand how intrusive their actual questions are because it frames them in a way that they can relate to on a more personal level.
Of course, there are instances when this initial response doesn’t work out. Some people, for whatever reason, feel as if they are entitled to whatever information they’d like; even details of my sexual history are apparently fair game since I am an out and vocal advocate. While I can certainly appreciate the quest for knowledge, I’m under no obligation to fill you in on the minute details of my life in order to validate myself or my sexual orientation. Just because you want answers does not mean I am required to provide them; I will share what I am comfortable with when I am comfortable doing so.
Yes, I am open and candid about certain aspects of my life, but in no way does that mean I have to answer every question directed my way. Demanding the intricate details of my personal life is overwhelmingly intrusive and, in the broad scope of things, does not help anyone gain a more thorough understanding of the LGBT community as a whole; it’s just going to give them information on me alone.
When those persistent questioners come my way and are unimpeded by my initial response, another way I try to redirect them is by letting them know that I am not the sole representative of the bi community. I’ll say,
I’m not really comfortable answering these questions, nor do I think they will provide you with the understanding you’re looking for. Perhaps you should reach out to this advocate, or check out Bi.org or another resource to get a better understanding about bisexuality, the bi community, and LGBT individuals overall.
Just because I’m not comfortable answering their questions doesn’t mean no one is; just respect the boundaries of each person you are reaching out to.
The fact of the matter is if you are interested in learning how to interact with LGBT individuals appropriately and without causing offense, you are the one who has to take the lead when it comes to educating yourself. Yes, there are those out there like me who are happy to help when we can, but we can’t be the ones driving your growth; that must come from you.
That is why, more often than not, I don’t answer these personal questions. Most of the time, when these questions come my way, it doesn’t feel like an attempt to understand bisexuality but rather an attempt to gather intel on me. In the past, when I felt obligated to answer any and every question posed to me, there were times when my answers were even turned around and used against me in an attempt to invalidate my bisexuality.
While those experiences have definitely made me more guarded when it comes to responding to questions, I still try my best to answer as many as I can. If someone is truly approaching from a place of learning and respect, I am more than happy to share what I can to help them on their educational journey. I just can’t be the only resource for this material.
If you really want to learn about my community, the best advice I can give is to do your own research. Read articles, join discussions, and you’ll be on the path to broadening your understanding in no time. This preemptive research will also set you up for more meaningful conversations with advocates and activists because it’s clear to us that a person genuinely cares when their queries have depth and meaning. Those questions, full of insight and true curiosity, are the ones I’m looking for and excited to answer.
Comments
Facebook Comments