People really can overcome their biases, I’ve seen it

I first noticed I was attracted to both women and men when I was 13, but I never thought of myself as “bisexual” and had always dated men. As a young adult, I had a group of mostly queer friends in Cape Town, South Africa. This was years before I consciously knew I was bi, but just being around them, it was like I had already been out. It was like being home. They helped give me the courage to open my mind to new possibilities.

It wasn’t until I was 27, when I fell in love with a woman, that I began to explore my sexuality in earnest. We dated for three years, and my girlfriend, herself a lesbian, was the person I leaned on most during those years. But even while she helped me grow into a truer version of myself, she was convinced that I was simply gay like her. When I finally put a name to my orientation and began calling myself bi, she told me “bisexuality” was just a label for gay people who hadn’t come to terms with their sexuality. She eventually came around, and I became the first person she fully acknowledged as bi. It was a beautiful journey of evolution for both of us. People really can overcome their biases with a little patience.

I’m not a shy person by nature. Coming out to friends and family wasn’t an issue for me, but sometimes it was for them. My family in South Africa didn’t reject me in the least, but they also couldn’t wrap their head around my bisexuality. It made them uncomfortable, and in time I learned not to bring it up. Likewise during my seven years in Middle America earning my PhD in urban planning and geography from the University of Oklahoma, I found little in the way of queer community. So a friend and I created a student group called Outspace. It was originally designed to be an LGBT group, but we expanded it to encompass a broader queer umbrella. I also began to think of my gender as nonbinary. For a time, I tried to use more neutral pronouns, though I’ve come to accept, through trial and error, that society sees me as a woman. The battle just seemed like more hassle than it was worth.

After graduation, and the expiration of my work visa, I moved back to South Africa. I’ve been working on city planning in Pretoria, where I now live with my boyfriend and our young daughter. My family knows I’m bi, but I think they had a collective sigh of relief when I started a family with a man. Some attitudes die hard.

I’m happy to say I haven’t faced any direct bigotry, although I do encounter a lot of false assumptions, especially from straight men, about how bi females must be sexually adventurous and “down for anything” — namely their own sexual fantasies. I think the way many people envision bisexuality is heavily influenced by pop culture and porn: they see the porno version of bisexuality instead of how it exists in real people and real life. These are minor inconveniences, though. I really can’t complain. I’ve gained a community of bi friends through the South African chapter of the bi social club amBi. It’s more active, vibrant, and diverse than any I’ve been a part of prior. Building a social group of like-minded people with similar experiences isn’t always easy. I know that from my experience trying to start one from scratch in Oklahoma. To have access to a thriving group of fun bi folks has been incredible.

I’m still looking for ways to be more involved in activism, and professionally, I’d like to move into academia, though that’s a tricky space to make work as a career these days. On the whole, however, I’m so thankful for where my life is at. I went through a lot of self-doubt to get here, which was probably unnecessary. A part of me wishes I could tell my younger self that you don’t always have to go out of your way to prove yourself to others — that you don’t owe anyone a clear-cut picture to easily sum you up at a glance.

I find myself sometimes recalling my childhood. My friend group was mostly girls, and I thought they were so beautiful, funny, and intelligent. I was kind of in awe of them. Looking back, I now realize that my feelings for my girlfriends were more than mere admiration. Maybe it wasn't “love”, but I was certainly crushing hard. And there’s an alternate timeline of my life where I never explored these feelings, where I closed that part of myself off. Growing up, I always imagined myself being married to a man. When I let myself fall in love with a woman, it changed my whole perception of what I expected the future to be. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to live in the present moment and to seize the opportunities that life presents you. They won’t always lead where you expect, but you won’t be living your fullest life if you don’t pursue them.

Lene Le Roux is an urban geographer based in South Africa. If you'd like to share your own bi story, please email us at [email protected].