During Pride, Being In An Opposite-Sex Relationship Can Be Activism

By Zachary Zane

June 12, 2018

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Photo credit: Unsplash/DESIGNECOLOGIST on Unsplash

Like many bi individuals, I have mixed feelings about Pride. On the one hand, I think it's incredible. It's an act of protest and a celebration, both at once. It provides an important opportunity for us to come together as a community. It helps us feel less alone in the world. When we see thousands upon thousands of people across the globe celebrating Pride, we know that no matter where we are, there are others just like us.

But being bi at Pride isn't necessarily all it's cracked up to be. Many of us don't feel welcomed or embraced, especially if we're in an opposite-sex relationship or, as gay people like to incorrectly put it, a "straight relationship".

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a genderqueer bi individual who preferred female pronouns. She and I were at Pride together when some drunken gay men made fun of us, saying things like “She doesn't even know that her boyfriend is gay”. She received numerous dirty looks for holding hands with and kissing me. She ended up in tears and decided to head home. I told her that I'd come with her, but she insisted that I stay until the end because she knew how important it was for me to celebrate Pride, especially since I had only recently come out as bi (while she had been out for many years).

A dark skinned couple with large curly hair, the girl is smiling at the camera and the man is kissing her cheek.
istock/monkeybusinessimages

Obviously, Pride sucked that year. In a space that was supposed to be accepting of queer folks, my partner felt more rejected and alone than she had ever felt before. At that moment, she hated the LGBT community or, rather, the gay community. I felt terrible about having convinced her to tag along in the first place, even though she didn’t want to go because she was afraid that something exactly like this would happen.

By the time pride rolled around the following year, I was single again and I had an absolute blast making new friends. I had fun largely because I was perceived as gay. I wore a rainbow tank top, pink hotpants and way too much makeup. Without a woman on my arm, people generally assume I'm gay when I'm dressed like that. The next two Prides I celebrated with my boyfriend, and again I had an incredible time because, at Pride, two men holding hands and making out in the street is not only encouraged but celebrated.

This year, I will be celebrating Pride with a queer woman whom I am dating. And once again, I'm nervous. Luckily, I am far more prepared than I was at my first Pride after coming out four years ago. For one thing, I am confident in my identity now and so is she. Like me, she grew up at gay clubs (before she realized that she was bi), and she knows how protective gay men can be about the exclusivity of these spaces. She's so used to it that it doesn't even bother her anymore. We've talked about what it could be like at Pride. I let her know that we can leave any space at any time. If either one of us feels uncomfortable, that person can just say the word and we’ll both get the hell out of there.

A young man and woman with pride pins on their clothes, dancing in the street while others are walking around them with pride pins as well.
Bigstock/lermont51

It’s a shame that we need to have these conversations prior to going to Pride, but as bi people, we have to. It's also a shame that I can’t attend any leather/bear parties with her, but that's just the way the cookie crumbles. I'm hoping I can find a bear party to go to while she’s at a lesbian party, so we can both smooch other people and then come back and report on our fun.

I bring all this up not just because I assume that almost every bi person in an opposite-sex relationship has had similar experiences but because I think Pride can be a wonderful place for bi people in opposite-sex relationships. We just have to change our expectations a little. Instead of seeing Pride as simply a wild party, we could use it as an opportunity to educate the larger LGBT community and hold our bi flags aloft.

Let's not forget that Pride was first and foremost a protest and it continues to be a protest to this day. It was a protest against oppression, bigotry and police brutality. We wouldn't have Pride parades today without the activism of Marsha P. Johnson: a transgender woman of color who was also bi — a fact that’s often forgotten. Bi people helped start Pride. We deserve to be there.

An ethnically diverse group smiling walking together and holding a rainbow flag.
Bigstock/nd3000

I'm not saying we should protest against gay men or anything like that. But we should use this time to educate others about being bi. Let's talk about some of the discrimination we receive from both the gay and straight communities. Let's talk about the mental and physical health disparities bis experience. Let's use Pride as an opportunity to remind the gay community that we are very much a part of the LGBT umbrella.

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