No matter if you're an LGBT person yourself, a relative or friend to one, or an ally, “coming out” is a familiar topic for all of us. Most of us who identify any other way than straight have to come out several times in our lives to different people — families, friends, colleagues, partners, etc. — but it is quite safe to assume that at a certain point in your life, you will no longer be coming out. This isn't true for everyone, bi people come out over and over and over again.
Coming out feels a bit like the movie Groundhog Day (1993) the one where Bill Murray’s character relives the same day over and over again. Only now I’m reliving different types of coming out. Mostly I come out “again” because I have to clarify for someone, to sort out a misconception about who I am. I also have to sort out several false assumptions about bisexuality itself. It becomes terribly tiring.
Here are a few of the iterations of my coming out that I've gone through:
Coming Out To My Friends (When I Was 20)
This one never really happened the way it's supposed to happen. It was sort of taken away from me. I met my first girlfriend in a club, and it hit me like a lightning bolt. We were making out in the club, and apparently, my peer group saw it. When I finally let the cat out of the bag, I only got, “Oh darling, we already know. We were there.”
That was sort of a letdown because initially, I was so happy about having discovered my sexual orientation and then it felt like I was the last to know, but they were happy for me and fine with it. I had a better “opportunity” to come out to more of my friends and no one outright rejected me then. Sadly, the rejection and disrespect emerged later in small doses and unfortunately killed some friendships over time.
Coming Out To My Family
I know that probably most people come out to their families first, but since I'm not very close to mine, I wasn't in a rush to tell my family. I ended up telling them on Christmas Eve the same year I'd come out to my friends. While my dad was cleaning up the kitchen, I sat in the living room with my mother and other family members. She looked at me and asked up front if I'm a lesbian. I was baffled at first. I had to ask her why and she told me that I had been single for a longer period and that all my former boyfriends had slightly feminine facial features. But since she had put the elephant in the middle of the room I thought I could jump on it and take a ride. I told her that I'm not a lesbian but that I identify as bisexual.
She looked at me and told me that I should "pick a team". I pushed back and told her that I am who I am and that she wouldn't force people to decide between liking fruits or vegetables for the rest of their lives. She suddenly changed the subject, and we never really spoke about it again, with the exception of when we would go out together and she would ask if I was dating various women. That was easy to stop when I told her that I'm not interested in having sex and/or a romantic relationship with every woman I meet just because I'm bi and that — if that's what she believes — she should be asking me the same thing about every man I mention.
Coming Out While In A Same-Sex Relationship
Since I don't see any benefit in closeting my sexual identity as a bi woman, I often have to disclose my bisexuality when I meet friends of my same-sex partner. This is especially problematic when my partner identifies as a lesbian. Sadly I often experienced a certain backlash when “coming out” as bi in a “lesbian environment”. Behind my back or even straight to my face I’ve been told that I'm "only confused", "going through a phase", or simply not one of "them". Still, this has never stopped me from being open about being bi.
Coming Out While In A Different-Sex Relationship
Currently, I'm in a different-sex relationship with a man who is also bi. We're both open about our bisexuality now, although he has previously identified as gay to find more acceptance in the queer community. It was then necessary for him to come out again as bi when we became a couple. That was a double-edged sword. Some of his friends were accepting and understood the struggle of going with a false label for so long. However, others accused us of using our “straight privilege” and passing. We are often seen as a straight couple in queer and straight spaces.
Coming Out To Other Bi People
Let's be honest. This is the most pleasant “coming out”. Especially during the past months while self-quarantining, I let my bi self flourish and connected with many other bi people from all over the spectrum to share experiences and exchange thoughts and opinions. I felt overwhelmed by the kindness with which I was welcomed. Expanding my bi community online was a good decision. At times I was so worried about how people who aren't bi see me that I forgot to look for my own people. And the moment I did it was one of the best decisions I could have made.
Although it’s proven useful to me, it also saddens me that often enough I have to use a “coming out” to defend myself from erasure. But what is the alternative? To silently accept constant mislabeling? If I was forced to choose between those options, I'd always choose “The Groundhog Day of Coming Outs” because visibility is what we need to break stereotypes and to strengthen our community.
If you'd like to share your own bi story, please email us at [email protected].